Just in time for peak fireworks importation season: They closed the bridge that connects Winona to Wisconsin. Not even bikes are allowed across. Last month you could run an 18-wheeler across the bridge; now they're waiting for a butterfly to alight on the deck and bring the entire thing down. If drivers had been listening exclusively to heavy metal on the radio, the extra weight might have put the bridge in the drink. You wonder if someone was underreacting before, and overreacting now. What's the problem? Everybody, all together now: GUSSET PLATES. That's all you really need to say nowadays; people nod their heads knowingly, secretly proud they've incorporated a bit of engineer lingo into their lives. Says here the bridge will close, Lena. Oh my, is it a problem with the gusset plates there? Yah, that's so.
The word has taken on its own ominous character; you could put up orange signs that say CAUTION GUSSETS AHEAD and people would brake out of instinct.
If the paper said "Al Franken's magazine articles: the gussets beneath his campaign?" everyone would know what you meant. It's almost the state bird now: the Rust-Crested Gusset. Hunters don't like it, because it falls out of the sky whether you shoot it or not.
You expect to read about gangs of rogue gusset plates robbing people in Uptown, or feral gusset plates harassing cows in the rural areas. It's the rust. Makes 'em crazy.
Any day now the American Gusset Council will institute a PR effort to improve their image, complete with a celebrity spokesman: Hi there, I'm Lou Gusset Jr., and I'm here to remind you that without gussets, no one could cross a river. And then his pants would fall down. Cut; try it again.
How will people get across the Big River in the meantime? Well, emergency vehicles can get across, but they can't go faster than 35 miles per hour. I'm sure there's a sound engineering reason, but I've never heard anyone shout SLOW DOWN! YOU WANT TO WRECK THE BRIDGE?
Ferries will help commuters who don't want to drive 70 miles out of their way, and a bright entrepreneur will probably set up ziplines for the adventurous.
The good news: The state bought the extended warranty. Usually that's a rip-off, but when gussets are involved, it's a good idea. The bad news: They have to find the original container to ship them back for repairs.
