In December, when Jerry Kill's résumé radiated the promise of an unopened present, the University of Minnesota offered him a five-year contract.
In October, after Kill lost six of his first seven games and was destroyed by three Big Ten opponents, the University of Minnesota gave him a raise and a two-year contract extension.
If Kill can hold Iowa under 100 points Saturday, he likely will be granted tenure.
Perhaps only our Golden Gophers would extend the contract of a football coach who has won one game. Some mixture of naivete, paranoia, muddled thinking and desperation -- call that brew a Gopher Cocktail, or GopherAde -- persuaded the Minnesota brain trust to treat Kill as if he were Nick Saban.
It's understandable that Kill would ask his bosses for more time to turn around one of the worst programs in the country. What's stunning is that his bosses, while negotiating with a man with no leverage, agreed. Kill should have brought some Amway products to that meeting.
Kill is now signed to a seven-year contract worth $8.4 million. If he eventually wins, he will earn that money and more, and be welcomed to stay as long as he wants.
But let's say that Kill is the latest in a long line of failed Gophers coaches, that he's more Wacker than Holtz. Let's say the U decides to fire him after three seasons. In that case, the new contract would call for the university to pay him $2.4 million to go away.
The new contract guarantees Kill a minimum of $1.2 million more than he originally agreed to, not counting his raise. This is his reward for losing the only three Big Ten games in which he has coached by a combined 144-31. The extension guarantees Kill two extra years of buyout money at $600,000 per year.