Is it time to turn off all the Christmas lights? You might say: Yes indeed. The season's over, it's a waste of resources, and the illumination makes nighttime breaking-and-entering far more difficult.
You had me right up until that last one, but otherwise, I agree. Everyone, however, seems to be slow this year. Another trash day has come and gone, and the boulevards in our neighborhood have been empty of expired Christmas trees. Usually by now the sad brittle corpses have been hauled away. What's changed? Either everyone has a fake tree, or bought a woodchipper, or has taken the tree to a deserted country road and let it out. It'll find a nice farm to live on.
Our tree will be down by the time you read this, but that's late. Usually it's down ASAP, hustled out of the house in a shroud like a celebrity being arrested, but this year we were busy. It's an ersatz tree, so it's not going to combust if someone rearranges a Snuggie and a bolt of static electricity arcs out 6 feet. (Seriously, it's a worry: the house is so dry that every time I bend down to pet the dog, he whines DON'T TASE ME, BRO.) But the last thing you want right now is a tree festooned with festive jetsam, so for the last week I didn't plug in the lights. It's like a guest that stayed too long, and like guests, it will not take a hint and leave by itself. It must be forcibly shoved out the door, dragged down the steps with ropes and hooks, and put in a taxi.
Lights are different -- unless they've said otherwise in a living will, you can just pull the plug. We are climbing out of the dark trough now; the days are getting longer, and we've no need of external twinkling to keep our spirits light. That goes for the ho-hoing Santa statues on your lawn, too. The guy's not supposed to work in February. It's in his contract.
jlileks@startribune.com 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/buzz
