James Lileks: Et tu, japonicus? Our newest skeeter spreads

Oh, wonderful news for a summer-starved land: Minnesota's newest mosquito is on the move. Next up, scientists will tell us we've been invaded by Asian tulips, which leap right out of the ground and smack you in the face.

"The fast-moving ambulatory tulip species, previously confined to Tibet, apparently hitched a ride in a backpacker's luggage and is expected to account for the majority of traffic fatalities by 2016 as great feral flocks of tulips hurl themselves across the road in the annual mating ritual."

But back to the skeeter. It's the japonicus, or Japanese rock pool mosquito. How it got here we have no idea. When insect experts say it "hitched a ride," I have an image of a 5-foot bug by the side of the road with a duffel bag, arm out.

But it's spreading around here, into the north and east metro this summer. I think it's fair to assume that it might eventually find its way throughout the area; mosquitoes love to sample all sorts of regional cuisine.

So what, you say, you seasoned skeeter-slapping hardy Minnesotan with blood to spare? What's another species? We had 50 species before; now we have 51. No one's going to say "My, the japonicus are just eating me alive tonight" or complain that they've been bitten by a rock pool mosquito or a Kenyan waterhole mosquito, I'm not quite sure, I didn't catch the name.

It's a bug. End of story, right? It's good for several things: A) large-scale eradication procedures, preferably conducted by grizzled men chewing cigars shouting taunts as they dump killer-chemicals in mosquito breeding areas, and B) consumption by bats, who will probably appreciate the variety in their diet. I was in the mood for Vietnamese, but this'll do.

Well, here's the "what" in so what, friend: The bugs carry West Nile. The downside of globalization: bugs from Japan carrying fungoo with a name that says "Land of the Pharaohs." It's like getting Polish sleeping sickness from a Peruvian beetle. You get the sense that they're all getting together and figuring out strategy, like some Insect SPECTRE. Gentlemen, I propose we pool our efforts.

Mosquitoes amid the snowdrifts?

And there's more:

It can survive the winter.

Now. Calm. Down. For one thing, this doesn't mean it's around during the winter. Mosquitoes would fare poorly in January, because there's no exposed flesh to pierce, and they would die from busted needles trying to go through a parka. I almost wish we had mosquitoes in January, just for the pleasure of watching them try to drill through leather coats. It just means that their eggs survive during the winter. They go into hibernation.

Great, you say: Let's find their caves, and use flamethrowers! If this was so, I'd lead the charge. Basically, any excuse to use the flamethrower I got at Army Surplus; it's useless for clearing the drive. Even if you spread a coat of Sterno. Stuff just burns off. But it's not that simple.

In a way, this is good news. We've time to prepare. When guests come from states without skeeters, we can impress them by slapping the little loser, holding it up, studying its tell-tale mottled green skin, and say, with a scholarly tone, hmm. Japonicus. Then feed it to the Asian tulips, which are carnivorous. They love those things. Dip them in some batter. Mmmm. Tempura.