Hax: Daughter faces weaponized guilt

Dear Carolyn: My parents have not seen my sister or me since Christmas due to COVID-19. My sister and I are both in our early 30s and live in the D.C. area with our respective significant others. My parents live in New England. We had concrete plans to see one another several times but canceled them by mutual agreement.

Now my mother is behaving as if we have not seen her by choice. Basically now that she and my dad are allowed to eat in restaurants again, they are acting like the pandemic doesn't exist and we are simply choosing not to visit.

My comfort level with traveling has not changed, and my sister works in health care and is exposed to COVID patients.

My parents also live in a state with heavy restrictions on out-of-state travelers.

In a recent phone call she cried and flat-out asked me to drive up there in defiance of travel restrictions. When I said that I do not want to be the reason they potentially get sick, my mom argued she could just as easily get the virus buying groceries.

The situation is exacerbated by the fact that their friends see their adult children constantly.

Weaponized guilt is pretty common in my family, and usually works on me. Under normal circumstances I would have already booked a flight just to keep them happy and make myself feel less awful. What do I do?

Call us your inspiration. You've known your parents were using good emotions against you in bad faith, as leverage — but instead of dealing with it, it was easier to do whatever they demanded to "keep them happy." Now imagine each one of your capitulations as a nuisance object stuffed away somewhere.

Congrats — your junk drawer won't close anymore.

You can't appease your way up I-95 so you have to deal with the guilt directly, finally — and since you're probably not going out much anyway, might as well clean the whole house.

The direct, no-appeasement method for dealing with guilt is to deny it traction. It's a basic, three-step process: 1. Know your own mind and motives. 2. Use that self-knowledge to say yes or no to things in good faith. 3. Disengage from people who use emotional arm-twisting to try to change your answers. To repetitive pleading, say: "It's not up for discussion. [Change subject.]" To baseless accusations: "I'm sorry you think that." For pressure beyond these boundaries: "I have to go, we'll talk soon. [End interaction.]"

It's simplicity that some people need professional guidance to accomplish in a complicated family, so don't beat yourself up if you struggle. A therapy hit can help.

Then stop it, and turn the hot lights back on guilt-trippers, rhetorically: "Why would you suggest we're avoiding you on purpose? That's hurtful, Mom, and unfair. We'll visit when we believe it's safe to." Thereafter, Steps 1-3. Find the high ground, and hold it.