Advertisement

Excerpt: 'If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother,' by Julia Sweeney

March 30, 2013 at 9:19PM
Julia Sweeney, author of "If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother."
Julia Sweeney, author of "If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother." (The Minnesota Star Tribune)

Comedian Julia Sweeney, creator of the androgynous "Saturday Night Live" character Pat, is also the author of the memoir, "God Said, 'Ha!' " Her new book is a collection of essays about motherhood. Here's how it begins:

I want to be alone. I really need to be alone.

I took so long to assemble my lovely family. I did it all a bit backward: first, a delightful daughter, then a beloved husband. I went after creating family, like a golden retriever running after a ball — how much does the dog think about what he's doing? He doesn't think. He does. He is a doer. That's me, too. I did it. I do it. I am doing it.

Every morning I get up and hustle. I'm sure this is true for most mothers. It's true for me, too. This is what I wanted, after all. This was my dream. I'm always on task. I never go up the stairs of our house without looking around for what needs to be taken up. I never buy just one meal's worth of food at the grocery store. I drive the carpools. I volunteer at the school cafeteria. I wait patiently outside the dance classes. I iron. I clean up the cat vomit. Make dinner. Walk the dog. I work (write) at home and then really work, at home. I quell the rising ire in my roommates. I try to install harmony, efficiency, and a calm, enabling environment for my fellow family members. I often set the table two hours before dinner. I live by lists. I pick up things in our house and put them where they go. Chiefly, I'm the protector against the chaos that threatens us. I am a good soldier.

I love my job.

Secretly I hate my job.

I love my family.

If only they would disappear.

Advertisement
Advertisement


"If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother," by Julia Sweeney.
"If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother," by Julia Sweeney. (The Minnesota Star Tribune)
about the writer

about the writer

More from Minnesota Star Tribune

See More
In this photo taken Monday, March 6, 2017, in San Francisco, released confidential files by The University of California of a sexual misconduct case, like this one against UC Santa Cruz Latin Studies professor Hector Perla is shown. Perla was accused of raping a student during a wine-tasting outing in June 2015. Some of the files are so heavily redacted that on many pages no words are visible. Perla is one of 113 UC employees found to have violated the system's sexual misconduct policies in rece

We respect the desire of some tipsters to remain anonymous, and have put in place ways to contact reporters and editors to ensure the communication will be private and secure.

Advertisement
Advertisement

To leave a comment, .

Advertisement