Dear Alan Smithee: Gloomy movies have a special place in the heart

Dear Mr. Smithee: I really enjoy your lists because they bring your erudite and esoteric knowledge to those of us in the masses.

With the holiday season upon us, I am drawn to memories of the more depressing episodes of my life and the films that have "highlighted" those low moments. I sometimes watch movies to be entertained, but true enjoyment comes from exiting a theater feeling like doom and gloom. I am talking about true downers -- not just anything starring Jennifer Lopez or Ben Stiller.

Pray tell, what does the perspicacious Mr. Smithee believe to be the most acheronian, melancholy and tenebrific of this morose subgenre?

JACK JOHNSON, Atlanta

Dear My New BFF: As a wee lad, I saw "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and, once the credits rolled, realized I had witnessed the discovery of the meaning of life -- that ultimate joy cannot be expressed or really felt until one has experienced descending into the depths of the depressing dark.

During the holidays, my heart grows three times its size because I relish "Pan's Labyrinth" and do not avoid watching Meryl Streep literally make "Sophie's Choice."

And, Jack, do I have some movies for you. If you haven't yet seen "Margot at the Wedding," go now. Add the upcoming "The Savages" with Philip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney to your list.

1 "Happiness": Todd Solondz's morose masterpiece begins with a solid kick in the stomach -- the most awkward, verbally destructive end to a date and relationship ever depicted on film.

2 Any Ingmar Bergman film: "The Seventh Seal," "Scenes From a Marriage," "Autumn Sonata" and "Cries and Whispers" are all good. And there are multiple moments of despair in "Fanny and Alexander" that balance out the opening's Christmas fun.

3 "Decalogue 1": The first installment in Krzysztof Kielslowski's 10-part take on the Ten Commandments is the most devastating.

4 "Chinatown": Is there a happy moment in the whole film? I think not.

5 "The 400 Blows": A young boy in Paris is ignored by adults and struggles during a life of wandering in the streets.

7 "The Bicycle Thief": A classic example of post-World War II Italian neo-realism that will break your heart.

8 "Dancer in the Dark": Musicals usually uplift spirits. This Lars von Trief masterpiece doesn't.

9 "Lilya 4-Ever": It's the first film I ever saw about people tricking an Eastern European girl with promises of a better life into heading for a new country and the surprise of forced prostitution.

10 "21 Grams": Sean Penn, Naomi Watts and Benicio Del Toro wallow in misery after a deadly car crash.

Others you might consider after all the above: "Dogville," "Dark City," "Irreversible," "The Piano Teacher," "Blade Runner," "Memento," "Open Hearts," "Pusher II" and, of course, "Magnolia."

P.S. You get a DVD of the happy "All Quiet on the Western Front" and an "Ask Alan Smithee" T-shirt.

Looking for 'Beautiful' song Dear Mr. Smithee: Did Minnie Driver sing "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" -- the old Carole King classic -- in the film "Beautiful," and where can I buy a copy of the soundtrack or her version of the song?

KEITH TOLAR, ST. PAUL

Dear Can I Believe the Magic of Your Sighs: That's not one question, Keith. It's two. Now I have to charge you double. Here are your answers:

1 Yes. Driver is indeed warbling the song. She does sing and has albums to her credit.

ALAN

P.S. You get an "Across the Universe" cap and an "Ask Alan Smithee" T-shirt.