As any good presidential candidate will tell you, your life really stinks and it's not getting any better.
Apparently, that goes for NFL owners as well. Commissioner Roger Goodell essentially confirmed that during a business leaders luncheon in San Antonio on Wednesday.
"We're all feeling the pinch right now, some more than others, and it's something we want to remain sensitive to," said Goodell, referring to the challenges the NFL faces in this economic downturn.
Yes, my fellow Americans, it's time to come to the aid of your fellow billionaires, some of whom have become or are in danger of becoming mere millionaires. Here's how bad it has gotten as these 32 owners sit around the kitchen table trying to make ends meet:
DET +13 at MIN: Vikings by 10. William Clay Ford Sr. was seen driving a '74 Chevy Nova with the license plate "IMBROKE."
OAK +7 1/2 at NO: Saints by 10. In an effort to conserve energy, Al Davis has decided to use only half his brain.
BAL +4 1/2 at IND: Colts by 7. In the Carpetbagger Bowl, the Ravens and Colts are refusing to move again until gas prices go below 2 bucks a gallon.
CIN +6 at NYJ: Jets by 7. The Bengals are considering a move to Division III, but only if they don't have to play St. John's.
CAR +1 1/2 at TB: Buccaneers by 6. Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer may have to sell England's Manchester United and enjoy soccer the way it was meant to be played: By suburban kids ages 10 and under.
CHI -2 1/2 at ATL: Falcons by 3. Falcons owner Arthur Blank was spotted on the ledge of his tallest Home Depot store.
STL +13 1/2 at WAS: Redskins by 10. Redskins owner Dan Snyder was seen trying on a suit in the little boys section at Wal-Mart.
JAC +3 1/2 at DEN: Broncos by 7. The Broncos had to drop their investigation into how they could possibly lose to Kansas City.
PHI -5 at SF: 49ers by 3. 49ers owner Denise Debartolo York might have to sell to someone who, you know, has a clue.
DAL -5 at ARI: Cowboys by 7. Until the PSL money on the new stadium rolls in, Jerry Jones has had to lay off the assistant who says, "I'm tellin' ya, Jer, the facelift looks grrreat. Very natural. You can't even tell."
GB +2 1/2 at SEA: Packers by 7. Poor Paul Allen. The Seahawks owner has only $16 billion in personal wealth per win this season.
NE +5 1/2 at SD: Chargers by 7. Patriots owner Robert Kraft can't afford two head coaches, so Bill Belichick will have to double as head coach of the MSL's New England Revolution. Piece of cake. I went 11-0 one year and the only 12 words I said were, "Spread out," "Good job" and "Do not kick her in the head, Jessica."
NYG -7 1/2 at CLE: Giants by 10. I'm just hoping Giants owner John Mara can cut some coupons until that $1 billion stadium opens in 2010. After all, he says he needs it to be competitive. Except for last year, of course, when he won the Super Bowl.
UPSET SPECIAL
MIA +3 at HOU: Texans 20, Dolphins 14.
Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga went on "Wheel of Fortune" and actually had to sell a vowel.
Last week: Lions 17, Bears 14 OT. Result: Bears 34, Lions 7. Season record: 3-2.
SEASON TRACKER
Last week: 7-7 / 5-8-1 vs. spread
Season record: 48-25 / 37-34-2 vs. spread
