You can expect to read this story in a few years:
Block E gets new tenant "Long-struggling Block E, the Hennepin Avenue retail and entertainment complex that has long been plagued by newspaper articles describing it as 'long-struggling,' announced today that a black hole has agreed to occupy most of the empty space in the long-struggling complex.
"We're turning the corner with this tenant," said the building's manager, "and I think it's fair to say you can call us short-struggling for a while."
This marks the first entry of a black hole into the retail sector, which has struggled in recent years to keep people spending money they don't have. It is unclear what the black hole will do, since the cosmological entities consist of collapsed stars so dense they emit no light.
"We think that gives it an air of mystery," the manager said.
"Retail observers note that black holes are characterized by an 'event horizon,' a point where objects or consumers who enter the gravitational well appear to be stuck in place forever, and this will give the impression of a crowd eager to patronize Block E.
"Previous plans to convert Block E into a terrorist holding cell, announced last year after the closure of Guantanamo Facility, fell through after the suspects complained, 'There is nothing to do there.' "
A year later: