Between adult kids and aging parents, pivot generation struggles

Patience.

It's a simple word, but a hard one to embrace when you're stretched thin as a parent who is caring for both your children and your parents or in-laws.

It's a word that has been essential to Kimberly McKneely, who has an 81-year-old mother-in-law with some memory loss living with her. She also has a 12-year-old daughter and two sons with special needs who are 18 and 19.

"It's really hard," she said. "Everybody wants your time; everybody wants your attention."

McKneely, of Austin, Texas, is part of what some have called the "sandwich generation," those who are caring for family members a generation younger and a generation older than them.

University of Texas professor Karen Fingerman actually found that not as many people are now in the "sandwich generation" — caregivers to both minor children and parents. Instead, more people are in the "pivot generation," supporting their parents as well as their adult children, who may or may not be still living at home.

This change from sandwich to pivot is happening for two reasons: Parents are living longer and the age when they can no longer care of themselves is older, and adult children are delaying leaving the nest.

For the person being cared for, it's hard to admit that she needs help, says Cheryl Young, a social worker at Family Eldercare in Austin. "But the reality is, we all will."

Young says often seniors are hesitant to ask for help because they don't want to put excess pressure on the family and they don't feel like they have anything they can contribute.

Children also might not be as understanding because they don't know what's going on with Grandma or Grandpa and they want to have their needs taken care of first.

Creating peace between generations happens when everyone understands one another's perspective. Why does Grandma or Grandpa do what they do? How should a daughter approach a parent who needs to be bathed or can no longer be home alone? How stressful is it to be the caregiver to both daughter and mother?

One of the most important things caregivers can do is to take care of themselves. That means exercising, eating well and taking some alone time. "Self-care is not selfish care," Juba says. "As a caregiver, you need to put self on the list of things to do, things to take care of. If you give everything to everyone else, when do you refill your tank? How do you refill your tank? If you run out of gas, you're not good for anyone."

Caregivers should arm themselves with as much information as they can about Mom's and Dad's medical conditions and financial situations. They also can enlist other people to help with care. Geriatric case managers take on the role of managing a senior's medical needs. Adult day-care programs give seniors a place to go during the day while their children are at work. Some agencies run them on a sliding scale depending on income, but you can expect to pay similar rates to day care.

McKneely's mother-in-law goes to one of AGE's centers. She thinks she's a volunteer at the center to help fellow seniors. That gives her purpose and makes her want to be there.

Stephanie Hoffman, a program director at AGE's Austin center, says it's important to give seniors purpose so they are not sitting at home all day without things to do.