By Sam Osterhout 2007 will go down in the history books as the year I learned a whole bunch of new words. Like "whip," which means "car," and "beef," which means "fantastic!" Last March my mom bought a 1998 Chrysler LeBaron convertible, and I was all, "Dude Mom, your new whip is beef," and she was all, "Solid!" And we gave each other a pound, which is a word that means "intricate handshake." I also started calling my mom "Dude Mom," for some reason.

Coincidentally, "solid" and "pound" are no longer acceptable parlance. They are dumb. So is "tight," which also means "solid," which also sort of means beef. In 2008, if something is fantastic, just say it's "beef," at least until July. I've also heard that since Paris Hilton served out her sentence, there's been a backlash to the word "hot" (i.e. "That's hot!"). Now people say "cold" (i.e "That's cold!") but it means the same thing. Whatever. I learned all of this in 2007. Beef!

I see now that I was a follower in 2007. I merely learned words from others and then used them. In 2008, however, I will be a leader -- an innovator. I have decided on no fewer than two words that I want to bring back, to repopularize, and no fewer than one phrase that I want to invent. The phrase I have invented is "pro v," which comes from Pantene Pro V, which I have deemed to mean "lesbian." "Hey Sam, why don't you go out with Gina?" "I'd love to, Dude Mom, but she's totally pro v." "Fair enough."

The two words I want to bring back are "book," as in "to move quickly," and "butthole," as in "that guy's a total butthole." I haven't heard that usage of "book" in ages!

By Stephanie Wilbur Ash Number of times this year I ignored the many authentic Mexican restaurants on Lake Street in favor of driving through a Lake Street Taco Bell:
16.

Number of minutes it took me to help the new hostess fill out her W2 at the one authentic Mexican restaurant on Lake Street I did stop at:
12 (she had no dependents).

Winners:
Taco Bell, new hostess at El Pollo Loco.

Number of times I asked for tater tots at the 331 Club, only to be told -- again -- that they no longer have a fryer:
35.

Number of times I shouted at the 331 Club bartender, "Psycho Suzi's has tater tots!":
One, and you didn't deserve it, Jaret. You're a good person.

Winner:
No one.

Loser:
Me.

Number of compare/contrast essay papers I graded titled "Cats Versus Dogs":
Four.

Number of cat poos I picked off my carpet:
0.

Winner:
Cats.

Loser:
Dogs.

Number of months I went without central air conditioning:
12.

Amount of money spent on electricity in new condo this year:
$260.

Amount of money spent on Four-Buck Chuck this year:
$260.

Number of times I wondered -- half drunk, dog poo in hand -- if it would be possible to power a central air unit with dog poo and wine:
45.

Winner:
The environment.

Losers:
My liver, dogs.

Number of times I realized that I was not the prettiest member of the Electric Arc Radio Show:
20.

Number of times I thought the prettiest member to be Jenny Adams:
10.

Winners:
Sam, Jenny.

Loser:
No one. They're that pretty!

By Brady Bergeson A friend of mine told me that 2007 was going to be the Year of the Brady. She was wrong. She also said she's actually more of a barista than a friend.

So with my local barista's support, I made huge plans for 2007. It was going to be my breakout year. Back in January I wrote out a list of goals to accomplish. I provide it here with final results.

Right now, for instance, Gary is out of windshield wiper fluid. I can't see through the windshield, which makes driving dangerous. I tried to go to Cafe Barbette last week, but ended up in Wayzata.

Gary did not receive an oil change in 2007. I can't get to my mechanic due to construction on Lake Street and on every other street in south Minneapolis.

Gary, we find out, causes global warming.

During 2007, I've had road rage in Gary 27 times:

Also, in 2007, the I-35 Bridge fell down. Gary loved that bridge. It took us to Northeast, where we had beers. The bridge fell into the water with other cars on it. Gary and I cried. Gary has no windshield wiper fluid.