Yeah, we know. The best way to treat all the awful product pitches that get sent our way is to ignore them. But sometimes we find it impossible to avert our gaze, at least for a few seconds, which is what has led to this collection of mystifying products and services.
TaTatoos: As some women complain about men staring at their cleavage, another determined group is working to ensure they will look no place else -- with horror -- by installing temporary tattoos under their clavicles, broadcasting such subtleties as "Lucky You" and "Happy Birthday."
Booty Pops: What hath J-Lo and the Kardashian coven wrought? A market for a Wonderbra for butts, that's what. These panties, perhaps inspired by the Guthrie Theater's cantilevered bridge, have cheek pads that make your bottom appear to stick up and out farther than it does au naturel. At least, that's the claim. On closer inspection, the pads are too thin to make much difference, and they're likely to ride up on the hips, causing bulges where you really don't want them.
Slim Tape: Why bother to tone and firm with weights when you can simply compress your jiggly underarm and upper-thigh skin with a tape girdle? The tag line "Takes the wiggle out of the wobble" makes no mention of cut-off circulation, itchiness, sweating or the reaction of anyone unlucky enough to catch a glimpse of your tape triage peeking out from under a sleeve or skirt hem.
Luscious Lips Kit: Made for people who so desperately want the Melanie Griffith puffy trout-pout on the cheap that they'll try anything, this skin-swelling pump claims to increase lip size by 50 percent, if used regularly for two weeks. Trouble is, "after two hours they start to deflate" said a user on "The Rachael Ray Show," who added that "you just keep wanting to do it a little bit more" and that lip vacuuming "can be very addictive." Is there anything you won't get hooked on, America?
Geisha facial: At the Shizuka New York Day Spa in Manhattan, you can have powdered bird droppings slathered across your face for only $180. But say -- it's Japanese nightingale doo-doo, so it must be OK. The spa's website assures us that the exotic dingleberries are "sanitized through exposure to ultraviolet light" and mixed with "delicate Japanese rice bran to enhance the inherent exfoliating and facial lightening properties." Maybe so. But what Gertrude Stein said about roses holds just as true for poo.
Whiter-is-righter creams: Speaking of skin-lightening products ... Vaseline, among other brands, advertises skin-lightening cream in countries like India by implying that the paler your face is, the more successful you'll be in both social and professional life. An iPhone app using the face of a famous Bollywood actor, one half dark and one half light, lets users see how they themselves would look with lighter skin. These advertisers may not have created any social caste systems, but they shouldn't be fanning the flames, either.
Fish pedicures: As seen on "Weeds," pedicures involving small toothless fish who nibble away heel calluses with their gums actually exist. But not in Minnesota, where the state Board of Cosmetologist Examiners wisely nixed them.
