Asking Eric: Tell stepson to back off

Dear Eric: My husband passed away 12 days ago after an extended illness. I have two step-kids.

Two days after my husband died, one of the kids started asking for some of my husband’s belongings then unveiled his plan to “help me build a house” on some vacant land I own to “fulfill my husband’s dream.” I was taken aback. I told him I am spent from taking care of my husband and am not making any decisions.

I’ve repeatedly told him since then that I’m not making any decisions for at least a year. He now giving me the silent treatment. My patience is running out, and I’m about to tell him off. How do I better handle this?

Eric says: I’m sorry about the loss of your husband. With regard to your stepson, stick to your guns. You’ve been clear about what you need and what your plan is, and your stepson’s refusal to accept that is either short-sighted or malicious.

The best path forward may be to let him keep giving you the silent treatment because, at least, it keeps him away from you. Engaging with him about this is only going to keep frustrating you.

He doesn’t get to make plans for you, and if he tries to insert himself, tell him you’re not discussing it.

At some point, preferably soon, you’ll also want to have a conversation with your accountant and/or lawyer, to make sure things are as they should be.

He lives alone. He also struggles with severe depression and anxieties. After several falls and having to call 911 for assistance to get off the floor, he agreed to have a knee replacement. He was very successful at losing enough weight for the operation. He completed the required PT and went home.

Unfortunately, he didn’t continue to exercise at home and gained all the weight back. He had another knee replacement, and now he won’t leave the house, hasn’t been to a family function for two years. He has missed three of his nephew’s weddings.

He doesn’t participate in the sibling group texts and acts like he is angry at us. When we go to visit him, he just sits in his recliner, barely talking. I also believe he has an addiction to the pain pills he’s taking.

Now, we have discovered that he has moved into a nursing home and didn’t let us know. He told the director that we weren’t to be notified. Right now, we are continuing like we don’t know what is going on. Should we continue as we are? Or confront him?

Eric says: Mike’s mental health struggles, and potentially his substance abuse, have contributed to a narrative that’s isolating him. He may be telling himself that no one knows how to help him, or no one cares, and it can be hard to combat that.

However, because you know where he is and it sounds like you’ve been in contact with the nursing home’s director, you can reach out to that person with your concerns about Mike’s depression and use of pain medication. Ask if they have resources for families. Ask if they can connect you with a social worker. Think of this as alerting them and asking them to take the next step.

With regard to contacting Mike, as painful as it is, he’s defined the relationship that he wants, or has capacity for, right now. Respect that.