Asking Eric: Should sister dig for affair’s details?

Dear Eric: My older sister is a recent widow. Her husband was unfaithful to her several times, but she chose to stay together.

One of his indiscretions allegedly was with a childhood friend of mine, with whom I’ve had sporadic contact over the years. The friend recently contacted me, out of the blue, to have dinner together.

Neither my sister nor I know if anything actually happened, and her husband always denied it. My sister wants me to ask my friend if there was an affair and, if so, to get the details of it.

My instinct says, “No way.” I want to be supportive of my sister, but I told her I don’t know how this will help “heal” her past hurts.

My sister and I are very close, and her bringing up the past, even from our troubling childhood, is typical for her. (And yes, I have encouraged her to see a therapist, to no avail.)

Eric says: Your sister is trying to get some control over the uncontrollable: grief, unfinished business and secrets. I’m not certain that finding out the truth will allow her to move on if she’s not ready to release what happened.

Ask her if she is ready to forgive. Her husband can’t apologize; the friend may not apologize (or have anything to apologize for). There is a debt that she’s owed that’s uncollectable. Can she release that?

If she can’t — which is understandable — whatever information your friend gives you is just going to add to her grief.

Much of this is internal work. Pinning her hopes to this one external interaction makes some sense, but it’s not going to help much.

Don’t let yourself get dragged into this any more than you already are. If your sister is insistent on getting answers, give her your friend’s number and let her ask herself.

Dear Eric: My guy is a good, generous, dependable, very set-in-his-ways man. We met in 2016, at which point he had lived by himself for 25 years. He said he wanted to marry me, and we lived together for two years, but all the changes I caused were too stressful for him, and he asked me to move out.

I dated other men for the next two years, but in 2023, my guy changed his mind again and wanted us to be in a committed relationship.

I’m not pushing marriage, but I told him I want him to move in with me. This requires him to make some major repairs to his home to sell it. But he’s made no effort in that regard.

I am getting very frustrated at seeing no progress. Should I give up on this relationship?

Eric says: I have bad news for you. You’re both going to be much happier if you continue to live separately.

That doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t salvageable, but you’ve got to set a boundary.

It’s likely that he’s not going to do these home repairs. Even though he loves you, you’re pushing uphill on that.

If he moves into your place, with all his set ways, are you actually going to be happier? Or will this further complicate your relationship?

I don’t love that he asked you to leave and then, two years later, decided he wanted you back. This doesn’t say “respect” to me.

Ask yourself, “Beyond cohabitation, what do I need to feel secure, valued and respected in this relationship?” And then demand those things. But make sure what you’re asking for won’t make you less happy in the long run.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.