Asking Eric: Reunited with an old friend, now she wants to tag along on every trip

Dear Eric: I’m stressed out trying to maintain a friendship with someone from high school who reconnected with me a couple of years ago.

We were good friends when we were younger but by the time high school rolled around, I had moved on.

Fast-forward 20 years and we started hanging out again. Girl stuff like going out for lunch. Recently I’ve realized that, as nice as she is, I just didn’t enjoy her company. She complains constantly, is immature, is scared of everything (while I am quite adventurous) and tries to be so accommodating that it’s actually super annoying.

We have taken several weekend getaways together and she has ruined each one with her complaining about things that happened 40 or 50 years ago. It’s nonstop.

At all costs I do not want to hurt her feelings, but I also really don’t want to be around her except in very small doses.

I have a few more trips coming up and she tends to assume that she is invited. Mind you she never makes any plans herself; she just wants to “tag along” with me. Other than saying, “Hey, I’m kind of looking forward to a solo trip this time” (which is true), what can I say that basically means, hell no, never again but in a nice way that doesn’t make her feel that I’m a terrible person because I don’t want her to join me?

Eric says: Do you want to keep her from feeling you’re a terrible person or are you more concerned that you’ll feel like a terrible person? Because niceness has run amok here — yours and hers — and it’s not getting either of you anywhere.

There’s a line in the musical “Into the Woods” that I think about a lot: “Nice is different than good.” Good friendship, in this case, is advocating for what you need in a way that’s clear and not unkind, so that your resentment doesn’t grow and you’re able to enjoy the time that you do choose to spend together.

From the way you write about this friend, however, it doesn’t sound like you like her at all. Are you just putting up with her because you’re nice and she’s nice? Just like in high school, that’s not sustainable for the long term. Better to put parameters in place — coffees, not lunches, no trips, etc. — than to stew in resentment.

Dear Eric: I am a 76-year-old male whose friend of more than 70 years has a wife with severe arthritic conditions that have caused her to be basically wheelchair bound for many years. Upon placing her back into their car, I normally place a kiss on her cheek.

Over a year ago, as I started that, she whispered “on the lips” to me. Since that time, I have attempted to scale the friendship back because of the uneasiness it caused me. I have enjoyed their long-term friendship until this occurred. Am I being too sensitive about this?

Eric says: If it made you uncomfortable or felt like the crossing of a boundary, you’re not being too sensitive. I’m sure you’ve gone over possible explanations in your head — perhaps she was joking, perhaps she misread your cheek kisses as advances, perhaps this, perhaps that. The reason is important but it’s not as important as how the words landed with you.

This also gives her a chance to explain and to apologize, if need be.