Asking Eric: Ex-wife’s will puts hubby in a bind

Dear Eric: In 2012, my father died, leaving valuable land as part of his estate. After selling the property, I paid off my two daughters’ homes.

My ex-wife and mother of my daughters passed away a couple of years ago. She had a son by another husband. Her will and trust were drafted to leave her home and more than $400,000 in cash to my daughters and their stepbrother in equal shares.

However, the stepbrother went to my ex-wife on her deathbed and whined his way into receiving all of her estate, minus $30,000 for each of my daughters.

My ex-wife told my daughters that I would be expected to leave everything to my girls upon my demise. My ex-wife was always controlling and manipulative, and I see this as her last grip on my life by putting me in this position.

I remarried 15 years ago, and I intend to see that my wife has the financial stability to live comfortably the remainder of her life.

Am I wrong for feeling that my ex-wife went to her grave thinking she’d hamstrung me with regard to my children?

Eric says: While your ex-wife may have constructed this situation to get at you, she also may not have been thinking about you at all. You’ll find happiness, or at the very least peace, by releasing her.

As for the situation in which you find yourself, your ex-wife’s will and trust is an unchangeable document. Whereas you have the ability to rewrite yours.

Tell your daughters how you feel, but focus on what the plan is moving forward instead of rehashing inherited hurts.

What do your daughters hope to receive from you? Are there expectations that you feel are unfair? Do they think that your wife/their stepmother shouldn’t have as great a share as they do?

Finally, remember that while money can help us show what we value, it’s not the only way, and it’s often misconstrued. Don’t put a price tag on your relationships.

Dear Eric: I was an employee at a small company in a small town and got laid off a few years ago. I had been there more than 10 years and had become friends with the owner, who was about my age.

At the time, it shattered me, and I didn’t like the way it was handled. Nevertheless, I left with as much professionalism as I could. After I left, I blocked the owner on all media, so I could move on.

Recently, the company has fallen on tough times, and I hear that the owner is not doing well. My instinct is to ignore it. I don’t need to have this person in my life, though for a long time we were friends.

A mutual friend says I’m being overly sensitive and needlessly holding onto a grudge. What do you think?

Eric says: Is it a grudge or is it a relationship that’s fractured? A grudge puts all the onus on you, but, per your description, the layoff wasn’t handled well, so there may be responsibility on both sides.

Friendships at work can be tricky, especially if that friend is also the boss. The owner, your former friend, made decisions in the interest of work. Though they were perhaps the only decision available at the time, it’s hard not to take that personally. It fractured your relationship.

So, ignore it, with one caveat: If an opportunity to be kind presents itself, take it. If your paths cross, a simple “You’re in my thoughts” can go a long way.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.