Ask Eric: Wedding plans but no proposal

Dear Eric: My good friend has been with her boyfriend for more than 20 years. She finally moved into his house after her mom died a year and a half ago. They attend each other’s family events — weddings, funerals, birthdays, sports events, work parties — and he tells her he loves her.

He’s planned out every detail of his future wedding, including who the groomsmen will be and where he wants to get married. However, there’s never a proposal.

After more than 20 years, do you think he’ll ever get married to my friend?

Eric says: Sure, it’s possible. It’ll be even more likely to happen if your friend and her boyfriend have an honest, frank conversation about their wants and the details of their individual timetables.

The only way to find out what he’s really thinking is talking to him about it. This is also the only way for your friend to let him know what she’s thinking.

Often in long-term relationships, we start to assume our partners have enough data to be mind readers. And sometimes, too, we assume we know every neuron firing in the head resting on the opposite pillow. But, of course, that’s not true.

It’s crucial for the health of the relationship to keep lines of communication open.

I have no interest in going. These family events involve so many people; it is difficult to spend any meaningful time with anyone. In addition, it’s on the other side of the country, and the graduate-to-be and I have never been close. He has barely spoken to me at other gatherings and has never acknowledged the gifts I have sent over the years for birthdays, Christmas or his high school graduation.

This will be the first of such graduations that will happen almost yearly for some time. Not to mention the eventual weddings.

The dilemma is, if I skip one or two but go to others, there likely will be hard feelings among relatives. And if I go to this one (reluctantly), am I obligated to go to all of them?

I feel like there is no “everyone happy” scenario here. Am I missing a solution?

Eric says: If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Tell them the dates don’t work out for you. You don’t have to make up a fictional vacation or some other elaborate excuse. But you have your own life, schedule and priorities, and it’s true that this event does not fit into those.

To your point that there may be hard feelings: everyone’s feelings are their responsibility. If you’re upfront with your relatives and make a good faith effort to honor the celebrants, you don’t have anything to feel bad about.

Dear Eric: In response to the letter regarding the loss of the writer’s longtime dog, thank you so much for recommending adopting an older dog. I would also add that he, or anyone who isn’t sure about a fur-ever commitment but wants dog(s) in their lives, might consider dog foster care.

Eric says: A great suggestion. Thanks for making it.