Ask Eric: Sister’s critiques threaten wedding

Dear Eric: I’m conflicted about whether to invite my sister to my son’s wedding.

My sister and I have never been close. She was not very kind to, nor interested in, my son, my husband or me. We’ve had entire decades of silence while she lived a relatively chaotic life. She’s divorced, estranged from her adult children and her son didn’t invite her to his own wedding.

She recently has accepted that she’s suffering from a lifetime of mental illness. I’m back in her life as a supporter, and I am intensely proud of her path.

I mentioned to her that my son is getting married. I now regret letting my excitement lead to sharing the news. She has started texting me with opinions about wedding details, down to how the bride should wear her hair.

She’s critical of my son’s and his fiancée’s decision to craft my deceased husband’s and my wedding bands into one he’ll wear as a symbol of his parents’ 33-year marriage and how we helped him become who he is today. My sister calls it “weird” and can’t imagine why I would allow that. It’s a personal, meaningful choice that is frankly none of her business.

She’s also expressed a desire to stay with me for the month before the wedding so she can “help” me “deal with” the relatives on my husband’s side. My son and I are very close to them, but they have never cared for her.

Bottom line: my son and his fiancée will welcome her, if I choose. I’d like to give my sister the benefit of the doubt and invite her. But I also want to enjoy the festivities without worrying about how she’ll react.

Eric says: If you invite your sister, you need to be very clear about the boundaries that attend this invitation. For instance, she absolutely does not need to come a month in advance.

It’s important to be explicit about what is and is not helpful. It’s also necessary and appropriate to have a frank conversation with her about her commentary. She may mean well, but she has to understand that critiques about the wedding are off-limits.

Let her response to this conversation guide your decision. She may double-down or dismiss you. If so, that’s when you point out the boundary. This is a special time that you and your family are putting a lot of work into. Negative opinions are not helpful. If she won’t honor that, she’s choosing not to come.

Dear Eric: I have moved to a new community, and many of the older residents keep asking me what church I go to. I have not attended any church for decades because the one I was going to taught things in which I don’t believe.

One of these residents has told me that the Bible says that the races should not intermarry because each race has its own diseases and God did this so people would not intermarry. He is extremely prejudiced. I have not confronted him on the hateful language he uses.

Eric says: I hope for your sake that the one prejudiced resident is not representative of the views of the others in the community.

At the very least, avoid him. But you don’t have to be polite in the face of hate. You can tell him plainly, “I don’t want to hear this, and I won’t discuss this with you anymore.”

As for the others, they may be asking out of general curiosity. It’s not impolite to tell them the simple truth: you don’t go to church. Then change the subject.