Ask Eric: One-night stand haunts years later

Dear Eric: I’m not sure how to feel. I have been married for 37 years. A few years before we got married, my husband had a one-night hookup. The woman is now with my husband’s brother.

I don’t feel right being in the same room with her. We have decided not to attend family functions if she will be there. We are just doing what we feel is right. My husband is very supportive. What are your thoughts?

Eric says: I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel. But you could ask a couple of questions about those feelings. While I understand how the initial reunion might be awkward, this affair was a long time ago, and I’m curious about the nature of the lingering discomfort.

You might take comfort in the fact that she doesn’t really know your husband. You’ve had 37 years of marriage; they had one night. They’re essentially strangers.

I think it would be a shame for you to cut off your family over this. Isolation can be dangerous. The past has power, but sometimes we give it more power than it needs. You don’t have to be friends with her or even talk to her. But try not to let one night in the past rob you of days of joy and community in the present.

Dear Eric: My brother was married for 14 years before his wife’s affair led to a divorce. While they were married, she did not want him to have anything to do with his siblings, and he complied because he did not want to upset her.

After their divorce, we welcomed him back into the family with open arms. At the time, their five kids were between the ages of 3 and 13. Because of the 14 years apart, we siblings never bonded with our nieces and nephews.

As his condition continued to worsen, we were not allowed to see him or even talk to him. We had to relay our messages of love through the nephew. The death was relayed to us via text message.

It’s been seven months since he died, and I feel extremely resentful. How do I get over this?

Eric says: The resentment you feel is absolutely valid. What your nephew did to you was unkind, and there’s no way for them to fully fix it.

However, perhaps you’ll find some solace by putting the behavior into context. Your brother’s kids grew up separated from you, and heaven only knows what manner of stories they heard about your family from their mother.

Regardless of where fault lies, those kids are making what they believe to be the best decisions based on the information they’ve received and the experiences they’ve had. There may be unresolved trauma, there may be a hurtful narrative about the family that has impacted the way they see the world. There’s surely grief that they’re navigating. All of these things matter.

Do this for your own peace, and so that the grief you’re feeling over the death of your brother can be processed without the obstruction of anger.