Ask Eric: Locked bathroom perplexes spouse

Dear Eric: This is probably an odd question. A very large percentage of the time, more than 50%, when I come home from being out (lunch/shopping/whatever), my husband is in the bathroom. It is right next to his office. Sometimes I’ve tried to open the door, and it’s locked, which seems odd because he’s the only one in the house. I guess it could be a habit, but it seems strange. Is this something to worry about?

Eric says: If you’re concerned that increased bathroom usage indicates a health problem, ask him. But chances are he just likes to use the restroom while the house is empty.

As to the lock, again you can ask. But if you’re going around trying to open closed bathroom doors, it makes sense that he’d turn the latch for privacy.

Dear Eric: We moved out of state to cut ties with my husband’s verbally and emotionally abusive mother. One of my husband’s brothers did the same.

The last brother engaged in a horrific divorce, succumbed to drugs and alcohol and lives in my mother-in-law’s basement. My husband eventually took his own life, and so now I live alone in a state six hours away.

My nephew (and godson) has been living in that household, being subjected to this abuse at the hands of his father and his grandmother. He keeps calling and crying to me that he wants to be “normal” like my three kids; he wants to “break the cycle.”

I’ve invited him to stay with me and directed him to employment openings in my area. My biggest worry is what to do if he starts imitating the dynamics of the family? How many chances should he get? Can you help with an exit strategy?

Eric says: It’s wise of you to think through in advance the different ways that this could go. There always are unknowns when you invite a relative to live with you, plus you’ll be in a de facto parental role. So, boundaries and expectations should be crystal clear.

Consequences should be crystal clear, as well. If lying, drinking or getting fired are deal breakers for you, you should tell him that in advance. And that consequence can be that he has to move back home, if that’s what you want.

As you set consequences, think carefully about which behaviors are unacceptable even once and which behaviors are opportunities for improvement. You have to protect yourself, your home and your peace. But it’s also helpful to think about the context that your nephew is coming from. He may benefit from both clear, strong consequences and gentle leeway where appropriate.

Dear Eric: This is in response to the reader whose 92-year-old mother lives in a secluded rural home, very distant from the daughter’s home. The mother scolds the daughter when she needs to end what’s been a long phone conversation.

I always have lived a considerable distance from my mother, grandmother and then a mother-in-law, and “back in the day” we corresponded regularly with written letters and cards.

Eric says: Thank you for the great suggestion.