Ask Eric: Emotional affair upends relationship

Dear Eric: Several months ago, I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker. He shared significant things with her he didn’t share with me, sought her advice on how to hide his alcohol abuse from me and talked to her about our arguments. He also discussed intimate details of our sex life with her that I never consented to being shared.

After several painful conversations about it, we recommitted to our relationship. I asked him to end contact with her because I needed space to rebuild trust and because I genuinely doubted her intentions. He agreed, telling me he cared more for me than for her.

Months later, I discovered he hadn’t ended the relationship. In fact, he was working hard to hide it. When I confronted him, he said he never believed their connection was inappropriate and that asking him to end it crossed a line. Something he had never said before.

I’m devastated. His lies have shattered my trust, and I feel I see a pattern of deception that is making me doubt our whole relationship. Plus, I can’t shake the fear that if this relationship wasn’t physical before, it might be now.

But then part of me wonders if I was wrong to ask him to end the relationship in the first place. What do you think?

Eric says: I don’t think you’re wrong. Your husband is shifting the goalposts, which isn’t fair and makes it almost impossible to build back a healthy relationship.

Every relationship is unique; every couple is constantly defining and redefining what works for them. It’s reasonable to expect that one’s husband wouldn’t share intimate details with a coworker, especially if he’s hiding them from you. And it’s reasonable to ask for it to stop, which you did. And he agreed.

At this point, it’s important to keep yourself safe emotionally and physically. If you suspect they’re intimate, please get yourself tested. Don’t be afraid to talk with friends or loved ones about what you’re experiencing. His dishonesty creates a distorted reality, and what you need is clarity right now, about him, about the relationship, about your future — which very well may be better without him.

Dear Eric: Close friends frequently babysit their first grandchild. Whenever we spend time with them, it’s impossible to carry on any kind of conversation.

Being besotted is understandable, but this couple continually directs the four-year-old to perform for us, i.e., “say your ABCs,” “sing a song,” “what color is this?” “tell our guests where you went yesterday.”

The child is not allowed to think or speak for himself. My concern is the effect this has on the child. It can’t be healthy.

Eric says: Is it possible that your friends are trying to entertain you by prompting their grandchild to tell you these things? Your friends could be worried that you’re bored, or even a little bit sensitive about the ways that visits have changed since their grandchild came along.

Again, there are parts of this phase that aren’t going to last forever. But I’d encourage you to start to see the joy and delight that your friends have.