Ask Eric: Carry out wife’s final wishes

Dear Eric: When my wife and I updated our wills, she designated a diamond bracelet and diamond stud earrings to her niece. Later that month my wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to which she would succumb 19 months later. My daughter (my wife’s stepdaughter) is a radiation oncologist and became our daily advocate as we navigated the byzantine world of cancer treatment.

During my wife’s illness, the niece got married, and my wife insisted that we attend the wedding. At no time did the niece reach out to my wife other than to visit her during her final two weeks with her parents, looking bored the whole time.

I arranged a two-day celebration of life. I sent invitations and asked for RSVPs. The niece’s mother told me that they (my wife’s brother, his wife and the niece) would not be able to attend because the niece was pregnant and the second day of the celebration fell on the day they decided to have the reveal party for the new baby, even though they knew of the celebration of life before the pregnancy was announced.

While my wife had designated her niece as the recipient of the bracelet and earrings I, still having complete control of the will, would like to give those items to our daughter. She was there daily for my wife, and I do believe in my heart had my wife known how poorly her niece behaved following her death she would want our daughter to have those items too.

So, what do I do, honor my wife’s wishes or do what I think she would have wanted based on the niece’s behavior?

Eric says: Honor your wife’s wishes. Withholding the bracelet isn’t going to change the past and it isn’t going to do what you really want: allow your wife to have received the love that she offered to the niece. I would presume that there are other items in your wife’s estate that you can give to your daughter. I also hope that your daughter knows how meaningful her presence was to you and to your wife during her illness. And it won’t hurt to tell her again.

But think of the tennis bracelet as a gift, freely given without expectation. Your wife loved her niece. As with any other relationship, theirs was unique. It’s possible you don’t know every detail of it. But, even if you do, trust the feelings that your wife had. The gift of the bracelet doesn’t absolve the niece. However, by honoring your wife’s wishes, you allow more of the beauty that she brought into the world to flourish.

Now his mother has become a thief and cheers herself up by stealing from us. She makes it clear that she perceives herself as judge and jury: we didn’t deserve her heirlooms, and now we don’t deserve our own store-bought items.

How does one deal with a rotten egg like this? We should be able to enjoy our consolation prizes without nailing them down.

Eric says: I don’t want to sound flippant, but your best solution is only to eat out at restaurants with your mother-in-law. That way, if she’s stealing, it’s not from you (and I doubt a restaurant manager is going to let her go scot-free).

Sometimes we’re powerless against family toxicity and so the best course of action is setting a boundary. Your mother-in-law is not only creating emotional chaos in the family, but she’s committing crimes in your home. Don’t give her that opportunity.