Dear Amy: I have known my husband for almost 40 years. We’ve been married for 30 years.
I am trying to become healthier in body and mind. I practice yoga, and I am evolving and growing.
My husband chooses to do nothing to take care of his body; he eats whatever and whenever he wants, and has always chosen to be sedentary.
He just retired due to health issues (and his age). I’ve just retired, also.
He doesn’t choose to go places. He doesn’t even get out of the house very often.
We live on a large property, and even though he uses a cane, he could at least go out to his garage or onto our porch, but he chooses not to.
I have literally begged him to give me space, since we both worked throughout all of our marriage — until now.
I am now battling depression and anxiety. I took my marriage very seriously and I don’t want it to end.
I have suggested counseling, and I attend therapy sessions on my own a few times a year, but he wants nothing to do with that and tells me that I need fixing — not him.
I still love him, but I don’t feel confident that our marriage or my sanity will endure. Help!
Amy says: Even though he meant it unkindly, your husband has halfway arrived at a bit of wisdom. You might not need “fixing” as much as he does, but you deserve fixing, and, of the two of you, you are the one most likely to receive it — and to benefit from it — because you are motivated to change.
Contact the counselor you have seen and immediately set up a virtual appointment for an assessment. I hope you understand that many people are struggling right now. The pandemic has forced everyone into uncomfortable territory, and while this retirement phase might have been challenging in normal times, right now you are likely being denied some of the important social, friendship and familial connections that would be helpful to you.
You should try to establish a daytime routine similar to the one you had while working, if possible. If you can’t have privacy inside your home, you should head to the porch, the garage or another part of your large property and set up your own space where you can keep “office hours,” and work on your yoga, meditation, reading, painting, gardening — or whatever creative pursuits you want to try. Look online for “she sheds” to see if you might be able to create an actual retreat space that is yours alone. Make sure you talk to at least one friend or family member each day.
Notice I haven’t mentioned your husband? I can’t “fix” him. You can’t, either, and whatever flows from that tough reality, you should be strong and healthy, in order to face it.
Be safe, not sorry
Dear Amy: I am very much on the fence about attending a family reunion in another state. The news seems to be changing every day regarding whether or not it is safe to gather, and my decision about whether to go changes every day, too. Can you weigh in?
Amy says: Every time I start thinking about traveling again, I read another story about gatherings where people seem to be taking precautions, and yet somehow contract and spread the COVID virus, sometimes with tragic consequences. Ask yourself, “Is it worth the risk to possibly infect a family member?”
I think this is one time when you should absolutely follow the age-old dictum: Better safe than sorry.
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