Dear Amy: I have been a widow for almost 13 years. My husband was only 32 when he died. We were together for 16 years, and had two children (who are now 24 and 16).
Unfortunately, my husband cheated on me more than once. I was devastated over the infidelity. I never had closure.
I moved to a new home three years ago, and I started dating my neighbor.
He is nine years older than I. He was married for over 30 years, and his wife ended the marriage.
Things between us went way too fast. I literally slept at his house just about every night for almost a year.
He started drinking, and his drinking has become a problem.
He expressed his love for another woman, and his sexual interest in two other women. That put a big strain on our relationship.
I'm very much in love with him and want to move forward, but he said he's not ready for that, and doesn't know if he ever will be.
He knows I have insecurities because of my husband.
He tells me I push too much. I think he is pushing me away.
Am I wasting my time?
Amy says: If you enjoyed this relationship — as it is — I'd say that you were not necessarily wasting your time. Although, speaking of time, your choice to spend every night for a year away from your teenager (was anyone else home?) is time neither you nor your children will ever get back.
I understand the devastation of infidelity, but you will not get "closure" until you actively pursue it. I'm talking about accepting the reality of what happened during your marriage, and choosing to move forward.
Would you encourage your children to pursue a committed connection to someone who drank too much and didn't meet their needs? I hope not, but by engaging in this relationship under the noses of your kids, you are basically demonstrating that this is the way to be.
Your neighbor is pushing you away. Let it happen. Take a fresh look at your life. Work on your own growth. Pack your possessions — and your emotions — into a U-Haul and move to a different street, if you have to.
An answer – and a chuckle
Dear Amy: Recently, readers described themselves as "front line" physicians and "potential vectors" for the COVID virus. And yet they were considering going to a big wedding!
Thank you for this line: "Wake up and smell the COVID!"
I have to admit, it made me laugh.
Amy says: That line was in questionable taste — and I have no regrets.
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