Animal kingdom fosters friction

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My kids and I absolutely love animals. My lovely husband tolerates all our pets, generously and dutifully helping us do what needs to be done for them, but we've hit a stalemate. He doesn't want more pets, and we do.

I thought we had an absolute great compromise by fostering animals for a couple of days or weeks every few months. This is something I have done my whole life; it's kind of part of who I am. And my kids share that passion. They are amazing, and take turns cleaning up and feeding them. I love the way we work as a team.

But his stance is always "no" because it impacts us negatively; I'm exhausted from nights of bottle-feeding, chasing and cleaning up after puppies, etc. So he says if we do foster, he won't help with those.

Fostering satisfies a need in the kids and me but builds resentment in my lovely husband, and not fostering builds resentment in me. I hate feeling that way. Do you have advice for us?

Carolyn says: Yes. Stop fostering. Or cut back to once a year, and send your husband off for part of it, if you can afford to, to see friends or visit his side of the family or enjoy some solo travel/spa time.

Why? Because he has already met you more than halfway, doing the work required of an animal-centric home. It is so inconsiderate of his sacrifice for you to resent him for not sacrificing even more, or to your liking. Seriously, stop. You have multiple pets already.

Dear Carolyn: My sister and I have owned a house together for 15 years. Over that time, we've developed some poor communication habits, but our kids benefit from our pooling our time and resources this way. I know both of us would prefer to live independently, but it's not financially feasible until the kids graduate from high school.

The issue is that we just avoid talking to each other unless there is a child- or house-related issue. We're polite, but conflict-avoidant. It feels uncomfortable to me. I know I contributed to the situation, but at this point it feels really hard to bring up, let alone change.

Carolyn says: You said hard, not impossible. So commit right now to doing the difficult thing. "Let's go out for a walk, just us."

Conflict avoidance is something you can work on independently for your own reasons — ideally in therapy, if you can. (See my resources page at wapo.st/3FJjtiO.) The potential gains are huge, from self-confidence to more say in your own life to modeling better relationships for your kids, as opposed to letting money and dread run the show.