Q: I am married and in my 30s. We have great sex, but the only problem is that I get too tired. So I do my best to control my urges during the weekdays. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't, or sometimes she wakes me up in the middle of the night to start something. I pretend I am not interested and say that I do not want to be exhausted, but the way she insists makes me hornier, and her attitude is impossible for me to resist. Those are probably our best nights, but the next day I feel like I have a hangover. For now, my solution has been to fake orgasms when I have a really important day ahead. I always use a condom, so I say, "OK, I'm done," when I'm not. That has helped, but I want to know a better solution.
A: That sound you hear is the collective whimper of married men who can only dream of having your problem: a partner who always wants sex, even when you don't. You have a conundrum that many would kill for.
As any woman with experience in the field of faking it will tell you, pretending to come during sex doesn't get you what you want. You're hoping that by tricking your wife, she'll be satisfied and leave you alone. But she doesn't, does she? Nope, she's still right there next to you every night, pawing at your PJs until you cave and give her the business. All you're doing by flipping an empty condom into the trash is showing your wife that you'll always be up for bedtime nookie. As teensy of a lie as it is, it's still dishonest and should stop.
It's awesome that you and your wife are so hot for each other, because that makes it easier to deal with the matter of mismatched libidos. You have the same level of interest in sex, but it sounds like your timing is off. Sometimes the last thing you want at the end of a long day or before resting up for a big morning is to lose sleep, even if there's sex in it for you. Being exhausted presents an array of problems, including difficulty concentrating, headache, upset stomach and hindered sexual performance. Even the most sexually fit guy can be too tired to bang at bedtime, especially if his partner is a frisky sex kitten in heat.
My first suggestion would to be to initiate sex in a place other than your bed, at a time when you're not thinking about everything you have to do tomorrow. When you're curled up on the couch, streaming some Neil deGrasse Tyson on Netflix, start feeling her up like a sixth-grader having the best night of his life. The next time you two run to Home Depot for yard work supplies, start making out something fierce in the parking lot. Invite yourself into her morning shower, weekend or not. Sex is best when it's not always the same, and that rule goes for time and place as much as it does for position and intensity.
As for other fatigue fixes, make sure you're eating your veggies and skipping the drive-thru. Get active at least once a day -- basketball, running, badminton, whatever -- to stave off sluggishness.
Finally, get this off your chest soon, because you'll be a lot less stressed about it once you do. You don't have to tell your wife you've been faking it, but you do need to tell her that sometimes you're just too tired for a romp. Tell her you're down for morning sex and afternoon delight, but you're just not wired for late-night nookie. Everybody has an internal clock that determines when we're most active, most productive and most tired, but our clocks aren't all set to the same hour -- which is why Snap Fitness is open 24/7.
- Alexis McKinnis is taking your questions about sex, dating and relationships. Send them to advice@vita.mn or submit anonymously at www.vita.mn/alexis. Don't leave out the juicy details!
