Alexis on the Sexes: Ph.Dream girl

Q: I'm hopelessly in love with this girl. She's everything I've ever wanted: smart, beautiful, a radical feminist without the elitist attitude, loves all the same things I love. We've only been on a few dates, though, because she's basically married to her work and never has time for me. I told her I know how demanding her Ph.D. program is. However, I'm so sure that this could be a beautiful, lasting relationship that I can't just stand by and hope something happens. I've watched too many John Hughes movies to know that's suicide. The reason I feel emboldened is because she told me that she appreciated my aggressiveness in pursuing her (at first she claimed she didn't have time to date, which is not completely true), as well as everything I've done for her. I'm not dumb emotionally -- I can pick up on signals, and she's given me all the right ones. I've never pressured her to go out and it's been on her terms. I can be patient, as long as I know I'm not expending all this energy on an illusion.

So do I go all in, hold the boombox over my head, tell her everything that's boiling inside me and risk that she runs back into her hole like a frightened rabbit? Or do I sit on my hands and hope that she wakes up missing me one day and runs into my arms, slow-motion style? I've recently pulled back on communication and she hasn't picked up the slack, so I feel like my window is closing.

A: I know this may be news to some, but there are women out there who don't prioritize relationships. My bestie was one of them back in the day, working her little butt off full-time while going to college and continuing the madness on through her master's. Not only was she disinterested in entertaining the distraction of a boyfriend, but whenever a guy showed interest in her, she was genuinely confused as to what to do with him.

She also illustrates my second point that there are also women who are just plain bad at relationships. Much like the thoughtless guys we occasionally complain about, there are girls who don't say "thank you" for a kind gesture or even return a phone call for five days. These people are likely not clinically narcissistic; they're just not accustomed to being in relationships. Sometimes they're new at it, other times they just have too much on their plates.

These people do eventually come around -- my bestie is now happily married to the love of her life, courtesy of my unduplicated matchmaking skills -- but I don't advise you to stay celibate until your dream girl finishes her Ph.D. She won't be ready for a boyfriend the minute she receives her diploma. People enter into relationships when they're emotionally ready, not because a slot opens up. This woman doesn't know when will be the right time for a boyfriend, until it feels like the right time and she's met the right boyfriend. That could be you, but don't close yourself off to other opportunities while you wait to find out.

This girl has the ability to fend off distractions while she works for a goal -- an admirable trait some of us lack. Leave her to complete her task and try not to be resentful when she's too busy to call. She expresses gratitude for you, which is a good sign. I think she'll be receptive to hearing your feelings, as long as you remain clear that you respect her busy life. Be clear that you're not waiting around for her, and you might go out on other dates, but you're there when she needs a break. Be a respite for her, not an obligation. She'll start to regard you as a source of happiness and relaxation, not one more thing she has to work at maintaining. Which is a great, albeit slow, way start to a relationship.

Also, Cameron Crowe created the boombox scene in "Say Anything," not John Hughes. That movie is pure awesome.