Alexis on the Sexes: Penile code

Q: It's come to my attention that women have a secret network of shared information on the sizes of their sex partners' male anatomies. As far as I know, a similar network among men tracking the "size" of the receiving end of women's anatomies does not exist.

Are both of these observations true? And if so, is it inequitable that women have more information on men than men have on women? Wouldn't it benefit tighter women to spread the word about their female endowment? Should men be doing a better job sharing what they learn?

--TWO PIECES TO THE PUZZLE

A: Oh, yes, absolutely, both observations are true. How did you find out about our secret catalog of the penis size of every man on Earth? There's a solemn oath that every woman must take upon her first exposure to dick, whether it was our first in-and-out in the back seat of your dad's Buick or a quick hand job with some cutie after soccer practice. From that day forward, all of us must swear to enter information about every wang we encounter.

And all of this information is stored safely in a massive server that only women know about. Luckily, it's all accessible through Google Shared Documents, so now that everyone has a BlackBerry or an iPhone, there's virtually no risk of accidentally going home with a teeny-weeny-short-short man.

Seriously, what the hell are you talking about? If you're wondering whether or not women disclose rod size to their girlfriends when pressed for information after a hot date, the answer is yes. (Usually, anyway. There are ladies who don't feel the need to share this bit of information, but those women are almost always burying the secret that their new beau's soldier stands just three inches at full attention.)

As far as reciprocation by the opposing gender, it likely doesn't exist for three reasons:

Women are communicative by nature. We're all Chatty Cathies, so when there isn't much on the table to talk about, we'll put anything out there just for the sake of gabbing. After we've boasted about your good looks, fine taste in wines and courteous manners, there's either going to be silence to fill or a direct question to answer: "So, did you feel it? How big was it?"

Men place too much emphasis on the size of their dicks as an extension of their egos (yes, you started it), thereby opening the door for women to use it when praising a partner of the male persuasion. We'll call up our closest girlfriend the morning after we go fishing in your trousers, tell her how far we ventured into the lake of passion and, yes, probably tell her how big the catch was. We do it because we like you.

Conversely, if you turn out to be a huge asshole who picks up girls at the bar and uses them to empty your nut sack, we'll tell every single woman we know that your penis has the measurements of a Mike & Ike.

I suppose sharing information with other guys regarding the genitalia of your lovers is up to you. Turnabout is fair play, so you're within rights to reciprocate when that information has undoubtedly been shared about your bits and pieces. I seriously doubt your buddies will give a damn, though, so just accept the high five or fist bump or whatever y'all do when one of you gets laid.