Alexis on the Sexes: Mystery spot

Q: I've been dating a very handsome gentleman for five months. We have a lot of fun when we go out together and have similar interests in local art and theater, and I think there is a lot of potential for a long-term relationship. The only problem is that he is not so great at oral sex. Kissing is great, foreplay is good, and the sex is downright electrifying at times. But his oral technique is puzzling. He more or less just moves his face back and forth across the whole region, often missing the clit completely. He dedicates a good 10-15 minutes down there, but I wonder what he thinks he is actually accomplishing. I know I should have said something in the beginning and not suffered through five months of this, but I am really into this guy otherwise. Any advice on how to bring it up without making it a big deal?

A: Only five months? Psh, no problem!

When you want to communicate to someone that they're not quite hitting the spot, the objective is to get the point across while sparing their ego. Luckily, at five months, you're probably still feeling each other out. Unless you've built some magical sex time machine that took you from first base to a mutual Japanese bondage fetish with catheters by the second date, your sex life is still in the growing stages. You can easily make some tweaks now without hurting anyone's feelings.

One way to do that is one tweak at a time. If the sex is "electrifying," then I'm guessing you're going at it on a pretty regular basis. Each time he goes down on you is an opportunity to make one small change, until you've successfully tweaked his oral technique to your liking. You don't have to get out the white gloves and traffic whistle -- "TWEEEEEEEEET! Stop! Too far to the left!" -- but a few gentle commands are usually all it takes. I promise that your man will appreciate a little help, particularly once your first muff dive-induced orgasm explodes in his face. It might take five sessions, or if skipping over the clit is the only issue, then it might take just one. The more specific you are, the faster he'll pick it up. "Higher, higher, right there, yes!" is a lot more helpful than "Mm. Mm-hm."

You can also tell him that you read about this awesome cunnilingus technique called the Kivin Method. I've written about it four times, but the method is a godsend for many women who don't think they can reach orgasm via oral sex, or it just takes too long to get there. Have your man position himself perpendicular to your body so that, by moving his tongue up and down, he's sweeping your clit from side to side. He will cover more surface area without moving the clitoral hood out of place (most women prefer that it stay right where it is) or tonguing down to the urethra, which can also be an unwelcome surprise. You'll notice that you're situated in such a way that you're free to do whatever you want with your legs and feet, as opposed to having your legs splayed open and up in the air like so many torturous porno scenes. Have him put gentle pressure on your perineum area (between your anus and vagina) while he's lapping away, which will stimulate those wonderful muscles that make orgasms happen.

The important thing is to be clear and be kind. It should go without saying, but mocking is not allowed in sex pep talks. It's also crucial that you tackle this right away. I'm not questioning the excitement level of your sex life in its beginning stages. But if he doesn't know where the clit is and what it does (I have my doubts there), then that electrifying sex is going to become pretty ho-hum pretty quick.