Alexis on the Sexes: Lousy benefits

Q: I have a male friend with whom I've been cool for more than six years. We've traveled together, partied together, cooked together, shared hotel rooms, exchanged life stories ... we were even archenemies at one time. About six months ago, we crossed the line with our friendship: We became friends with benefits. We do everything well together, and we do this even better.

The catch, of course, is that he has a girlfriend. I've truly been struggling with this. I would hate to lose our friendship to sex, but I'm also wondering if we can still have the same level of friendship because of the level of intimacy we have had. I know we both share a "love" for each other that has been built over time, but I know I'm getting the short end of the stick as well. He initially asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, and I told him, "Why, so I can switch places with your now-girlfriend? Pass."

I'm going back and forth on this; one minute it's cool, the next it's not. My feelings are becoming more confused by our intimacy. I'm wondering if it's possible to get back to being "friends." If so, what kind of friends do "friends2lovers2friendsagain" make?

-- Friends2Lovers

A: Stop sleeping together. Banging somebody else's boyfriend is, in fact, not cool, and you need to figure out where your skanky ass left your conscience -- an east-suburban hotel bar, the lower-back tattoo shop -- because you're in dire need of it right now.

There are three people involved in your situation, but you're ignoring the one who gets hurt no matter what. Once you put an end to your secret screwing sessions, you'll remember that your guy friend's girlfriend not only exists, but has feelings, too. While it's not your responsibility to handle her feelings, you at least have to acknowledge that she's a human being.

Once you've gained some clarity, it's time to start making some more rational decisions. First, tell your bed buddy to tell the truth to his girlfriend. He was so eager to offer this generous compromise before, so put him to the task now. From a platonic standpoint, you need to be the friend with morals, urging him to come clean with the woman who deserves to know what's going on. It might be tough to choke out the words -- not having a dick in your mouth anymore should help -- but it's time to put your self-serving interests aside and wipe the slate as clean as possible.

Two, he and his girlfriend could reconcile, and you're suddenly pushed out of the picture. The security of an existing relationship might be reason enough for your pal to pander to his girlfriend's every desire, the first of which will be to sever all ties with you.

Meanwhile, you could try focusing your efforts on finding a decent guy to have sex with that's yours and yours alone. Karma's a crafty bitch, but if you make amends now, you might avoid an otherwise inevitable what-goes-around-comes-around heartbreak in your future.