Alexis on the Sexes: Holding out

Q: I have been in several toxic relationships, one of which lasted two and a half years. Through therapy and a lot of help from my friends, I realized that I deserved much more respect and love than I was ever given by the men I dated. Now that I'm single, a friend of mine set me up with a friend of his. He is different from the guys I used to go for in that he's a gentleman, he's getting a college education, he has a job and he has great respect for me as a person and as a woman. He has never pressured me into having sex, but we have made out and slept next to each other after all of our four dates. We're going on our fifth this weekend, and I'm starting to get nervous. I don't want to move too quickly with him, but I don't want him to lose interest, either. How long is too long to wait for sex? I feel like I should tell him my reasons behind wanting to be patient, but sometimes I can say too much.

A: He doesn't need to hear your reasons for delaying sex -- he just needs to know that you're into him. The fact that you're going on repeat dates plus having makeout sessions and sleepovers should be a clear enough indicator of your interest, but feel free to express it verbally to make sure he's getting the message. I know what you mean about saying too much (why does every story I tell have to involve a guy I dated?), so just try to employ the need-to-know method when questions come up about past relationships.

As far as a proper timeline for holding out, that's up to you and your new guy. If you two are getting antsy and everything feels like it's moving in the right direction, then go for it. If you're still processing all the stuff you learned about yourself in therapy and you're not ready for the commitment that sometimes accompanies sex, then wait. If duder is as into this as you are, he's going to be fine with holding off on the smashing. Not getting laid right away in a relationship isn't the end of the world, and if the match is a good one, patience will always pay off.

Q: I'm really interested in human sexuality studies/sexology, but can only seem to find "gender" studies as a post-secondary option. Is there any college in the U.S. that I can attend to study sex itself?

A: It's kind of interesting that most universities across the country offer one lump degree in women's, gender and sexuality studies. All three seem broad enough to warrant diplomas on their own -- I can't imagine learning everything a girl needs to learn on one topic, let alone three, while she's busy perfecting her beer pong game, having blissfully anonymous sex and satisfying all her bi-curious needs.

Enter the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University -- named, of course, for Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the father of modern sexology -- which offers a Ph.D. minor in human sexuality. At www.kinseyinstitute.org, you will also find a brief listing of sexuality degree programs at various schools in the U.S. and Canada. I poked around a little and found a couple that might be of interest to you. The long-standing Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco lauds itself as "the Harvard of human sexology" and offers five different degrees. The American Academy of Clinical Sexologists in Orlando offers a Ph.D. in clinical sexology that's designed for those in or entering the field of clinical sex therapy.

Note that neither of these two schools is accredited by the U.S. Department of Education. If it wasn't made evident by your own fruitless search (or the fact that we still don't know exactly what's up with female ejaculation), let the dearth of accredited programs be an indicator that we still have a way to go when it comes to sex research and education.