Alexis on the Sexes: Disorientated

Q: I read a column you wrote with a story similar to mine ("Kind of gay," Aug. 20), but wanted to ask myself. I have been in a relationship for a long time, and recently found gay porn in the history on my computer. I asked my boyfriend about it and he admitted to looking at it but insists that it doesn't mean anything. He said he looked at a lot of crazy things on the Internet, and that was one of them. He denies being gay, says he has never been with a man and doesn't want to be. In the 10-plus years we've been together I've never thought he was gay/bi, but this really makes me second-guess his sexuality. He doesn't think that this is a big deal, because all he did was look at something. I'm confused.

A: Why does everyone leave out the juicy details when it comes to discovering a significant other's porn stash? It would help to know exactly what you saw. If it was only one clip of hardcore shibari bondage porn, then I'd tell you your man might be into tying you up samurai-style and just happened to find an instructional video starring two men. If you saw 80 bookmarked clips involving naked gay boy orgies with nary a vagina or breast implant in sight, then I'd say you have something to worry about.

I'll assume you've had no gut feeling whatsoever in the past 10 years that your man might like a little taste of dick every once in a while. If that's the case, then you probably have nothing to worry about. If he's never lied to you or pretended to be something he wasn't, then he's most likely being truthful now. If he's always seemed satisfied in bed and there are no other curious indicators of homosexuality -- a gift-wrapping station in his minimalist-style condo, more than one pair of Prada slip-ons, a Pomeranian -- then I think the two of you will be just fine.

Q: I have known this woman from an online club for a few years. We have not become "friends" per se, but very good Internet friends. Once she was laid off, but was able to get a new job rather quickly. Recently I got the pink slip, and I am exploring options other than returning to my field. She shared some tips she learned from workshops because she says she wants to help me.

Is that all she wants? She has gone out with others (male and female) from this club for social reasons. But we live hundreds of miles apart. If we get together, it is probably more than just a social event. It is a date. I might be horny if we meet and just want do it because of horniness. Is helping an Internet friend of more than five years all she wants? Or is she wanting something else that is not mentioned?

A: Here's an idea: Why don't you just ask her if she wants to be more than friends? You're clearly open to the idea of hooking up if her intentions are the same, so sprout some balls and find out. I'm guessing the majority, if not all, of the conversations you have with her are online. The amount of courage required to type out the words, "Are we just getting together as friends or are you thinking something more?" is ridiculously minimal. Follow that up with, "Either way, I'm happy to just meet up and brainstorm job ideas, and I will of course stay at a local motel when I visit."

Her response to such an innocuous question followed by reassurance that you're not expecting anything sexual will tell you everything you need to know. In the meantime, be grateful that you have a friend who's willing to help you out in troubled times. Try to think of ways you can reciprocate, regardless of whether your relationship takes a sexual turn. Then take your newfound courage and courtesy and apply it to job searching. You don't get anything unless you ask for it, so go get it and good luck.