Alexis on the Sexes: Confused lass

Q: Basically, my question is this: How do I know if a guy likes me? We have tons of things in common, things that I know most people won't enjoy, like geeky sci-fi and English folklore-type stuff. I want to ask him out, but I think he has it in his mind that someday he'll date a super-pretty Lauren Conrad-type girl. I think he is too good and too smart for a girl like that. We hang out, but he always will start with a "You know, I just want to be friends and nothing else." Every single time he says this to me. I finally told him that I think he is trying to convince himself of that more than he is trying to convince me. I just want to know if he really means what he says, or if he is so insecure that he's scared. Once we did get drunk and kinda made out, but I wouldn't let it go very far because at the time I really didn't know him and he was too drunk. He never goes on dates and hasn't really had a girlfriend in years, at least that's what I've been told. But that just makes me more intrigued by him.

A: Yes, it's possible he's only trying to convince himself that he doesn't want to be more than friends, but there's no way to know for sure unless A) he wants to freely disclose why he won't date you, and 2) you're open to hearing it. Doesn't sound like a pleasant conversation, does it? If you'd rather get beat down by a Cylon than listen to all the reasons he's not into you, then don't bother trying to persuade him that you'd be better together than Adama and Roslin.

If he is insecure or even inexperienced with relationships, you're not going to know until he's comfortable enough with you to confide that sort of thing. Clearly this guy senses your interest and it makes him uneasy. Don't push for a date. Even a seemingly innocuous "Are we ever going to be more than friends?" can create awkwardness and jeopardize the good thing you have now.

One thing you can tell him, though, is that it's ridiculous to begin every in-person conversation with a reminder that you have no shot at being his girlfriend. You only needed to hear it once and, quite frankly, it's an arrogant thing for him to say, especially since you regularly hang out together. Let him know that you're perfectly fine maintaining a friendship that doesn't progress past the hug stage, so he can drop it.

Now then, what to do about a boy who says he only wants a platonic deal with you? Deal with it. Even if he's in denial about any romantic feelings, he's not going to cop to them just because you tell him to. First of all, nobody likes to be told what to do. Secondly, he's actively preventing himself from being open to the idea of coupling up with you. You're up against pure obstinancy. Your only option is to take what he said at face value, have a seat in the friend zone and try not to let it bother you.

If something more is going to happen, then it will happen organically from there. A funny thing might also happen once he sees you're no longer pursuing him: He could do a 180. It's human nature to want what we cannot have, so your unavailability becomes a challenge (a sword-in-the-stone if you will, and now I'm officially out of English folklore references). Show him that someone appreciates every aspect of you and start dating. Casually mention that you got a number at the bar last weekend or that you're going to ask out that really hot barista who always gives you free espresso shots. He will think twice about casting you aside, which may spring him into action.

Even if he never comes around -- because of insecurity, emotional unavailability or true lack of romantic interest -- he's still a friend with whom you can enjoy a day at the Renaissance Festival. There can't be very many of those.