Alan Smithee: Best sloshbucklers of all time

Smithee Darling: Two of my all-time favorite movies involve alcoholism -- "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and "Under the Volcano." Give me your list of best alcohol-themed flicks in order of excellence.

TOMMY ZAJICEK, HOBE SOUND, FLA.

Dear Fresh: Grandmama Smithee insisted I say "please" when the devil caused me to command my request. That's likely good advice for you as well, Tommy Dearest.

It goes like this: "Uh, Grandmama, a little more hooch in my mixed drink next time, you think? (Long pause.) Please?"

It works wonders.

"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" (1966) happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies. Hands-down best scene is all-night-binging Richard Burton as George and Elizabeth Taylor as Martha locking horns in the parking lot outside that silly nightclub.

Martha: "You're gonna get it, baby."

Martha: "You're not man enough. You haven't got the guts."

George: "Total war."

Martha: "Total."

Sounds like home, doesn't it, Tommy?

The thing I remember most about "Under the Volcano" (1984) is ultra-inebriated Albert Finney stumbling down the street, falling and passing out.

I like "Barfly" (1987) because Mickey Rourke calls Faye Dunaway his "stress goddess." I like "The Thin Man" (1934) because they not only drink all the time, they joke about it. I like "The Verdict" (1982) because Paul Newman eats in a bar I'd like to visit. I like "Leaving Las Vegas" (1995) because Elisabeth Shue loves Nicolas Cage so much she pours liquor all over her treasures.

I like "Long Day's Journey Into Night" (1962) because Eugene O'Neill was the man.

ALAN

P.S. You get an "I Drank Your Milkshake" glass from "There Will Be Blood" and an "Ask Alan Smithee" T-shirt.

Dear Mr. Smithee: I just watched "Call of the Wild" and though it wasn't the best, it was notable in the fact that it was directed by Alan Smithee. Could that be you or possibly one of your cohorts using the name?

Dear Buck: Do I look to you like I enjoy the cold? Honestly, people are always co-opting my name. What kind of world is this?

The 1993 film of which you write originally aired on USA cable and starred Rick Schroder. "Call of the Wild" was directed by Michael Toshiyuki Uno, who decided he'd rather not use his real name. And you know what's really weird? Uno was an AFI intern on "Under the Volcano" (see above).

ALAN

P.S. You get a "21" blackjack set and bag and an "Ask Alan Smithee" T-shirt.

Father Smithee: I have erred. Greatly.

With the "Quadrilogy" as well as "The Alien Legacy 20th Anniversary Edition" (both VHS and DVD) box sets already enshrined in my movie cabinet, I thought I was good enough and that some grace might be provided for the 28 other "Alien" VHS tapes and DVDs I had grailed away over the years.

I must ask you: the widescreen series, the full-screen versions, the special editions, the making of ... sets, when can one stop buying re-releases -- of these and other movies -- and still approach Smitheedom?

JOHN CIMBARO, LAKE WORTH, FLA.

Dear Grasshopper: One need not possess to attain Smitheedom. But one must be ever watchful and, most assuredly, think. In near future, my friend, one will also have to restock with Blu-Ray.

ALAN