Since a host of politicians have set aside their Sudoku puzzles to attend to matters surrounding the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, and considering the American government is already attempting to earn an emergency-response merit badge, I figured this is the best time to address another set of circumstances necessitating an intervention: This country is in dire need of an Emergency Relationship Stabilization Act. There are myriad American single people struggling with dead-end relationships, black holes of energy, time and money. We need government action to help us get along with our lives.
I admit, I'm not sure how I found myself in such a distressed state of affairs (no pun intended). I had a strong start with my personal life in high school, the subject of a fellow 4-Her's affection.
Since then, however, my relationships have steadily deteriorated, including a marriage that failed before we even had a chance to take the china out of storage.
I fear, Senate and House and anyone else who will listen, that I've become a helpless magnet for dead-end relationships. I fear I will end up with Ross (OK, yes, he is a convenient backup date for miscellaneous weddings and pays for his half when we go out to eat at the Outback Steakhouse; there's just something fishy about a man who keeps Vicodin in a Pez dispenser).
I don't have any other option: I plead with you to become the guardian of my personal life. Broke, unemployed, addictive personality, workaholic, anger mismanagement, obsessive-compulsive -- left to my own devices, you name it, I'll date him. It's a pattern all too familiar with many of my single friends (male and female), a chain reaction of bad partner after bad partner, with no choice but to settle, then marry, then divorce.
If this cycle continues to perpetuate itself, the blow to the institution of the American family would be catastrophic -- we might just start letting anyone get married in this country.
I have humbled myself to step up and speak out for the masses, but do not be fooled into thinking I am the only one facing this predicament. There are leagues of single men and women who can't seem to find a compatible match. Speed dating, online dating sites, professional happy hours, summer recreational sports leagues, even church social groups -- the battlefield is gruesome, and few come out on top with something to put on photo holiday cards.
The government must intervene. It has done so before -- you can't tell me brilliant matches like Cruise and Holmes just happen naturally. Please find me a match. I'll even take one of Palin's Joe Six-Pack buddies.
Contemplate the brevity of this calamity and rescue me now: If I sink in the dating pool, other singles might not even jump in, giving up before they even have a chance to scrawl their phone number on a soggy bar napkin. You must restore the confidence of society. Leaving me single is sure to frighten the younger generation of singles into thinking that they, too, might end up in my condition.
My personal life needs to be stimulated. Please, Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke, recognize the rationale for a bailout and assign me a stable life partner.
Oh -- and this is important: Please don't use up all the reserves of single men. In 10 years I'll need a follow-up bailout. Maybe a pool boy or a personal trainer.
Emily Jayne, an editor, lives in Minneapolis.