Eaten Purple People - Today's Rant

Wherein Bert Grabs the Mic and Faces His Inner Conflict Regarding Jersey Selection

Some (most) of my Vikings friends are prone to ranting. Usually a topic is mentioned in passing, there is a moment of silence when you can almost see the steam rising and the thoughts coalescing, and then unleashed is a comical tirade of wisdom, non-sequiturs, and just plain idiocy. Bert is legendary in this regard. Occasionally, like today, I will try and decipher one of his rants into comprehensible prose.

Are We Ourselves?

Strange days indeed. While it's tremendous to have a purple horned playoff caliber team to cheer for, isn't this suddenly a lot more complicated? We used to walk on the streets, through the tailgate lot, or in the stadium and we knew where everybody stood. The fans were defined by their colors and their gear: Vikings fans in Viking colors - some blatantly new to the club, some blatantly trying to show they aren't new to the club, some wearing horns/braids/beads to demonstrate their love for the club, some just trying to show their love for Natty Light.

Opposing fans were always in opposing colors - we rejoiced in mocking them for their weaknesses just by seeing them from across the lot. This was especially awesome in the Bears/Grossman era. It would've been fun at any Lions game over the last 10 years, but when's the last time you saw a Lion's fan?

Flash forward to today .... the simple joys aren't so simple. Do we even know our enemy? Guy in brand new Favre jersey is standing next to you - it is still brutal adjusting to that guy being our QB - now we have to sort out who these "Purple Favrays" really are. Are they true fans that are excited about our latest addition? Or are they one of these more reprehensible variants:

Bandwagon fans: Alright look, given the stadium situation, ticket sales and everything else, we'll take all the bandwagon fans we can get. But please avoid showing up in a brand-spanking new Purple #4 and walking out in the 4th quarter with the Vikings down 10 like the jersey will burn your skin if you aren't out of the parking lot by the time they lose. And don't tell me you need to beat the traffic.

Favre Fans: The guys that have "Brett - Warrior, Hero, Poet" tattooed on their shoulder, and actually think Wrangler is a designer brand. The guys who think John Madden and Joe Buck never appreciated Favre for his true greatness. Guys who dumped the Packers for the Jets and now have to dump the Jets for the Vikings. They would buy season tickets to the Philadelphia Soul if Jon Bon Jovi signed their special guy.

Minnesota Packer Fans:They love Lombardi and Starr (and probably Chmura, LeRoy Butler, and Milli Vanilli), have never actually been to Lambeau, but they frequent the Hudson bars and know someone who went to UW Madison. They're sporting their Packer Favre jersey, whether or not the Vikings are playing Green Bay on that particular day.

So to recap - here is my advice on how to pre-screen your colleagues in what should be an awesome but emotionally confused season:

(a) Purple non-Favre = One of Us.
(b) Purple Favre = at least it's the right color, but for now I don't trust you and I probably won't like you.
(c) Green Favre = sorry your childhood hero plays for us now - here's $5 towards your new team attire
(d) Green non-Favre = get out of our stadium - enjoy the return of Lynn Dickey's number as your quarterback. It's tricky, but remember I-94 goes two ways. You want to go east.

Don't get me wrong. I'm going to cheer for Favre because we need him to help us win games. He's our guy now. But he's yet to provide any victories. Be careful out there - rally around our true purple peers. They are the ones who will still be here long after the Purple Favrays have moved on to their next destination.

Coming Soon: "I Love EJ Henderson More Than Anyone Else Does, So You Should Try Harder"