The Fantasy Reality: See the Whine List

Fantasy football's current king, Maurice Jones-Drew, was furious after Jacksonville's Week 5 blowout loss to Seattle. He told reporters he was "embarrassed" by the Jags offense and even called himself a "decoy." Jaguars coaches responded the following week by giving MJD a whopping 38 touches, almost 60 percent of the snaps. That heavy of a workload is usually only seen in sweatshops or Beverly Hills surgical rooms or at RandBall's cubicle during prep tournament season. MJD responded with three touchdowns, 178 total yards, the Jags won and he's been a statistical monster ever since. Seattle's T.J. Houshmand-zadeh recently pulled a Keyshawn Johnson by rolling out the "Throw me the ball!" act, and Sunday he got a stare-down look from Matt Hasselbeck at the goal line. Touchdown T.J. We had to listen to Roy Williams whine last week about the quality of passes that come his way from Tony Romo, who then proceeded to spend half of Sunday night staring wide-eyed at Williams. The result: a season-high five receptions for Poor Ol' Roy. Stars Steve Smith of Carolina and LaDainian Tomlinson also got extra busy the week after pulling out the violins and Kleenex in recent media sessions. Whining, it seems, is what we all need to watch for when deciding who to start. But what kind of lessons are we teaching our children, RandBall? And, more importantly, how can we use whining to advance our own careers?

Michael Rand: You raise some interesting points, though I think we have to also monitor the relative skill level of the whiners. MJD, Housh, LDT (there is only one LT, and it ain't Tomlinson) and Roy Williams all have pretty good track records. They probably should be getting the ball. Maybe it teaches kids to be selfish; maybe it teaches them to be assertive. You say potato, I say po-tah-to. (That works better when spoken.)

The point is, we can't just live and die by whine alone. If Naufahu Tahi starts complaining that the Vikings aren't designing enough of those sweet 2-yard fullback completions, that's no reason to plunge him into your lineup. But if Greg Jennings pitches a fit and demands to get more throws from the Temp? Watch out. (The Temp, by the way, is our new nickname for Packers QB Aaron Rodgers, given how he looks so much like Ryan from "The Office" and how, if he keeps giving up sacks at this rate, he'll either be too injured or too gun-shy to last very long in the NFL.)

Chris Carr: So Jennings tops our Potential Whiners to Watch list. Some fantasy experts use matchups or injuries or weather as factors, we use whining. I'm putting Brandon Jacobs and Anquan Boldin on our watch list, and they'll be back in my starting lineup the minute some unlucky reporter asks the question that sets them off. All-World Whiner Terrell Owens will surely spout off, and T.O. owners should put him back in their lineups when he does. I wonder if we'll see a "Hey, don't forget about poor ol' me?" rant from Calvin Johnson or Marshawn Lynch here soon, too. And if our formula of whining = workload really is true, then your guy Larry Johnson, with his track record of exceptional unpleasantness, has a shot at second-half MVP. That is, as soon as he finds a team in need of his 2.7 yards per carry and bad attitude.

Michael Rand: Would it be unethical to set up newspaper interviews with players who are on my fantasy team to suggest they start whining more? Yeah, I thought so.