We have it on good authority that Joe Mauer
's wedding is this weekend. It's a time for Mauer and bride-to-be Maddie Bisanz to celebrate. It's also a time for us to get creative. Taking a cue from the movie "Wedding Crashers," here are 10 "rules" for crashing Mauer's wedding, with the explicit caveat that you REALLY SHOULD NOT crash the wedding. Don't attempt to find out where it is. Don't try to sneak into the reception. Seriously.
Rule 1: Always have an up-to-date family tree. This applied in the movie, and it applies here. Teresa is the mom. Billy is the brother who runs Mauer Chevrolet. Jake is the brother who manages the Fort Myers Miracle.
Rule 2: Learn your Cretin-Derham Hall history. It's in St. Paul. Tons of famous athletes went there. Mauer and Bisanz are both graduates.
Rule 3: You accidentally left your invitation on the kitchen counter while you were unpacking Gatorade, Head & Shoulders and Kemps products from the store.
Rule 4: If you are over 35 and pressed to explain your connection to the wedding party, tell people you are one of Gardy's bowling buddies. Nobody is going to say no to the manager, even on Mauer's wedding day. If you are under 35, if pressed, say you used to be Mauer and Justin Morneau's favorite Jimmy John's delivery guy back when they were roommates.
Rule 5: The movie instructs you to occasionally bring a real gift, and this is the perfect opportunity. But what do you get the $184 million man? How about a CD or playlist with nothing but his at-bat music ("What You Know" by T.I.) on it?
Rule 6: Make sure there's an open milk bar. That's how you know for sure it's the Mauer wedding.
Rule 7: Topics to avoid if you get face-time with Joe: Bilateral leg weakness; could he maybe, you know, hit more homers; 2000 Prep Bowl; whatever happened to the former Miss USA he used to be linked to?
Rule 8: As per the movie, brush up on your magic trick and balloon animal skills (crashing note specifically for Michael Cuddyer).
Rule 9: Never dive head-first into the wedding cake. You call too much attention to yourself. Plus, that's Nick Punto's job.
Rule 10: For good measure, to reiterate, DO NOT really crash this wedding.