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Michael Rand started RandBall with hopes that he could keep lies from conquering the minds of the weak. So far, he's only succeeded in using the word "redacted" a lot. He welcomes suggestions, news tips, links of pure genius, and pictures of pets in Halloween costumes here, though he already knows he will regret that last part.
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Posts about Frozen Four
Clearance Clarence: A weekend in Wisconsin of drinking, pond hockey and watching the Packers lose
Posted by: Michael Rand Updated: January 17, 2012 - 12:09 PM
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I have only a handful of true loves in my life, and near the top of this list are beer and hockey. This weekend I had the opportunity to combine these passions into one glorious bar-hopping pond-hockey extravaganza, and it was awesome. Much of the weekend is still foggy, but I will do my best to describe these vague memories through imprecise words and hazy pictures. So here we go: The participants? 6 guys, 1 Chevrolet Suburban, and 1 designated driver. Our destination? Spooner, Wisconsin. Our objective? The 4th Annual Spooner Pond Hockey Tournament.
We left the Twin Cities at 10 am Friday morning. Typically, it takes about 2 hours to drive from St. Paul to Spooner. It took us 16 hours. On a related note, there are a lot of bars between St. Paul and Spooner, Wis.
On Saturday morning we scraped ourselves off the floor and drove over to the pond hockey tournament. The tournament was held on the Yellow River Flowage in beautiful downtown Spooner. The tourney has a few simple rules: The games are 4 on 4. There are two 10-minute halves with running time. There are no boards and there are no refs. The nets are short wooden boxes with 2 small openings. There are 9 teams. It is a double-elimination format. That’s about it.
Our first game was at 9 am. One of our players was still too drunk to play. I mean, he just couldn’t do it. So the puck hadn’t dropped yet and we were already down to 5 guys.
In our first game, we played the team that was hosting the tournament. They were 40-something business professionals who almost certainly had not been drinking until 4 a.m. While we were still holding-down our breakfasts and trying to grasp the rules of the game, they had already jumped out to a quick 4-0 lead in the first 2 minutes.
OKAY REGROUP GUYS. It was quickly becoming obvious that we needed a strategy for this thing. This wasn’t a shinny game at the muni rink in town. We needed formal positions. We needed a scheme. After some quick on-the-fly deliberations, we decided to establish a simple 1-2-1 diamond-shaped strategy. One guy would serve as the all-time forechecker, floating behind the other team’s defense and cherry-picking like a modern day Dave Spehar. Two guys would clog up the middle of the ice in a modified trap. The last guy (our tallest player) would serve as the all-time defenseman - waving his stick back and forth like Zdeno Chara. Our strategy was working and we started to come back, but it was too-little-too-late and we lost our first game 11-9. It was 9:30 am and we were already in the loser’s bracket.
In our second game, we faced a bunch of high school players. How do I know they were high school players? Because when I said, “I WILL BUY YOU EACH A CASE OF BEER IF YOU STOP SKATING SO FAST,” they said, “Sir we’re in high school,” as they glanced nervously to their parents on the sidelines. Our teams were evenly matched, buy ultimately their young stamina overtook our grizzled hungover-ness and we lost 10-9. And that was it. Our tournament run was over. Two and out.
[STOP SKATING SO FAST.]
Our tournament was over, but the day was still young. What should we do? The tournament also sponsored other contests that were held on the ice. For example, there was Turkey Bowling:
[{Redacted} it, Dude. Let’s go bowling.]
There was something called “Toilet Golf”:
[Toilet golf.]
Ultimately, we decided to skip the contests and continue our bar-hopping adventures across northwestern Wisconsin. There was a lot of weekend left. We visited a lot of bars, and we played a lot of cards. We built our own bloody Marys at Big Dick’s Buckhorn Inn:
We also watched a lot of playoff football. Have you ever spent an entire weekend in Wisconsin listening to Packer fans tell you how bad the Vikings are? It’s miserable. Have you ever watched a heavily favored Packers team lose a playoff game in a Wisconsin bar in front of those same Packer fans? It was glorious. It was a whole new level of schadenfreude. It was awesome and hilarious and awesome.
So that was our trip. It was a blast. Thank you for taking this pictorial tour. As far as the pond hockey tournament goes, we will be back next year. We will have a formal game plan. We will have extra guys. We will pace ourselves Friday night. We will impose the 1-2-1 forecheck. And our rock-solid strategy will work if you little {redacteds} stop skating so fast.
Weekend Links with Jon marthaler: Landon Donovan + college hockey realignment
Posted by: Michael Rand Updated: September 24, 2011 - 8:55 AM
Each week Jon Marthaler bakes up a delicious batch of links for you. Other times, you can find him here. Jon?
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I usually like to throw some Twins news into these links, but frankly, it's finally become too depressing. No link that I can share, no joke that I can make, no fiction that I can invent can possibly describe the Twins' season better than two players missing a game because they crashed into each other on the highway. As far as I'm concerned, this goes right to the top of Twins injury lore, up there with the time Marty Cordova injured himself with a tanning bed, and the time that Billy Martin punched out Dave Boswell and the pitcher required 20 stitches. Forget about maybe losing 100 games; this team can't even drive to the airport without something going wrong.
On with the links:
*The refereeing in last week's Florida-Tennessee game was rather, shall we say, spotty. Spencer Hall goes inside the mind of the field judge to find out why.
*Noah Davis at The Run of Play writes an essay about Landon Donovan, a guy who's moved from "frustrating" to "fascinating" in my head. I've watched him through three World Cups now, and I've called him every name in the book along the way, and I'd rate him as probably the best player the United States has ever produced, and I'm not sure I could meet him in person without both insulting him and trying to hug him in the first thirty seconds of this fictional meeting. I think Davis may see this same contradiction.
Over at the Western College Hockey Blog, Chris is asking the tough conference realignment questions. Most of them revolve around questions like "Is the WCHA going to be a minor league?" and "Why does WCHA commissioner Bruce McLeod still have a job?"
And finally: as this video clip from EA Sports FIFA 12 proves, realism in video games might have gone too far. (BONUS JOKE FOR ENGLISH SOCCER FANS: It's nice that EA Sports finally introduced the "Falling All Over Themselves" module for Arsenal, isn't it?)
That'll do it for me. Please hang around and enjoy the day of college football. If you're a member of the National Guard, be ready; LSU plays at West Virginia tonight, and if that one turns close and both sets of fans turn angry, America's militias may need to be called into duty.
Friday (And then a UND fan punched a hole in the Xcel wall) edition: Wha' Happened?
Posted by: Michael Rand Updated: April 8, 2011 - 8:58 AM
In every game, there must be a winner and a loser. Some, however, aren't quite as ready to accept that fate.
There is your reinforcement less of the day, accompanied by a photo that could be called "Exhibit A." We spent the better part of last night's Frozen Four semifinal games roaming the lower concourse -- viewing the action from various standing-room spots and mingling with the hockey crowd. Ultimately, it included some very upset North Dakota fans -- including one particular young couple.
The female spent most of the third period texting what we presume were other anxious fans. One of the only times she spoke was when the UND goalie charged out of the net to play the puck in order to prevent a possible breakaway. It worked, though it was a little shaky. And during the exchange, the woman jumped from her seat and yelled something like, "No! Noooooooo! No! What the [redacted] are you doing?!?!" The guy sat silently, nervously. You could tell he was heavily invested. As each third period chance went by without a tying goal in a 1-0 game, his sports fury simmered. Believe us, we have been there.
We have not, however, ever punched a hole in the wall of a public sporting arena (or anywhere else, for that matter). This UND fan cannot say the same. After Michigan scored an empty-netter in the final minute to essentially seal the game, he stood up and pounded the wall high above him. Then he did it again, producing that hole you see in the picture. And then they left.
During the first game, we mingled with several Minnesota-Duluth fans who sweated out a 4-3 victory over Notre Dame after being outshot 15-2 in the final period. A championship for that fan base -- the Bulldogs have never won one, and they have their own tortured mid-1980s history to exorcize -- would obviously be huge. It would also extend quite an impressive run for the athletics program, as the Bulldogs have won 2 of the past 3 Division II football championships. Head football coach and AD Bob Nielson was accepting congratulations from plenty of fans as he stood near the main UMD cheering sections Thursday.
There was a great sense, though, that UMD fans were really hoping to play -- and, of course, defeat -- UND in the title game. For college hockey, for ticket scalpers and for the two RIDICULOUSLY overserved North Dakota fans we stood near very briefly Thursday who might have had a chance to actually remember a Frozen Four game if UND made it to Saturday, that would have been the perfect final.
Instead, we have UMD trying to make history with its first title against Michigan trying to extend its record nine championships to double-digits.
And, of course, we have a hole in the wall.
TFD: Frozen Four open thread, live from St. Paul
Posted by: Michael Rand Updated: April 7, 2011 - 4:06 PM
We're out here live from Xcel Energy Center for the Frozen Four semifinal games; they're about to drop the puck on Notre Dame vs. UMD; Michigan vs. North Dakota follows later.
As we've told anyone within shouting distance this week, this is about as good of a field as St. Paul and the X could have garnered, considering the Gophers' absence. It is a lively crowd. It is a thirsty crowd. We're fairly sure they might break St. Paul tonight. We shall see.
Consider this your Frozen Four open thread, should you want one.
The hockey lovers among you should note the preponderance of puck on this here blog the past couple of days; and Clarence Swamptown should note that picture above is his worst nightmare -- a massive group of North Dakota fans at a pre-game party.
Clearance Clarence: Wearing his Gophers jersey at the WCHA Final Five will not end well.
Posted by: Michael Rand Updated: March 15, 2011 - 12:36 PM
Commenter Clarence Swamptown does his thing pretty much every Tuesday. As always, the opinions expressed by Clarence do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?
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If you are a baseball documentary rube like myself, the video below was the best thing on the internet last week. The infamous Batting Stance Guy branches out and executes a perfect takedown of baseball historians and journalists:
*Outstate Diner of the Week: Stockmen’s Cafe, Zumbrota, Minnesota.
What are they famous for? The Stockmen’s Cafe is attached to the Zumbrota Livestock Market, one of the few remaining livestock auctions in Minnesota (apparently there are not as many ranchers, or deviants from Wisconsin, as there used to be). Anyway, the cafe is located underneath auction ring bleachers and across the hall from the ticket office. It has a long, narrow counter and a few small wooden booths that seem incapable of holding the girth of your average cattleman. The old linoleum floor is as scoured and weathered as the manure-caked cowboy boots that clomp across it every day. For those with strong noses but weak stomachs, avoid eating here during the Friday afternoon hog auction.
Manure Smell Power Rankings: 1) Dairy 2) Horse 3) Beef 4) Sheep 5) Chicken 6) Turkey 7) Hog.
What are the waitresses like? There’s only one, and she’s also the cook and cashier so don’t make her mad.
How’s the food? Terrific. It’s not a concession booth, it’s a full-service cafe. And their prices are cheaper than anyplace in the state. Might also be the only restaurant in Minnesota where you can literally rescue next week’s lunch special by purchasing it and bringing it home.
Do they have a website? No, funny guy.
Are they on Twitter? I will permanently blind you with this cattle prod.
Anything else I should know? Next Thursday is their special feeder cattle auction, but you already knew that. I’ll just meet you there.
* Possibly Inappropriate But Probably Just Mistranslated Tsuyoshi Nishioka Quote Of The Week As Reported By The Japanese Media And Filtered Through An Online Translator: Regarding Joe Mauer:
“Huge! Endowed with a teammate and the anxiety will come. Surprised by the size, because he is amazing. Shark fishing.”
* Country & Western Song of the Week: Galway Girl by Steve Earle. Winter is nearly over and it’s almost St. Patrick’s Day, so let’s celebrate. Please clink on the link, turn the volume to 11, and join me in an Irish dance. Don’t worry about making a scene. The secretary can go {redacted} herself, she never liked you anyway. Hands on your hips, torso rigid, toes fast and pointed. LET’S GO ALL FLATLEY UP IN HERE.
* St. Patrick’s Day in St. Paul + WCHA Final Five Tournament = Awesome: Minnesota is currently the most depressing sports market in the country, and my own personal local sports bitterness couldn’t be any stronger. The Twins were swept by the Yankees in the playoffs, again. The Vikings raised our hopes and then roundhouse ninja kicked us in our collective groin, again. The Timberwolves are the Timberwolves, again. The Wild are struggling for a playoff spot, again (in a league that hands out playoff spots like youth association participation trophies). Gophers football is rebuilding with a new coach, again. The Gophers basketball team underachieved, again. Gophers hockey failed to make the national tournament, again. On top of all this, my two least favorite teams in universe – the Green Bay Packers and University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux – have developed championship programs that show no sign of weakening in the near future. Their success only compounds my misery.
That said, this is the week of my annual rebirth. The weather is turning. Baseball is just around the corner. And one of the most underrated local sports events: the WCHA Final Five, starts in conjunction with one of the most underrated local celebrations: St. Patrick’s Day in St. Paul1. This will be awesome.
If you have never experienced St. Patrick’s Day in St. Paul, Jake Nyberg has a comprehensive summary available here. With its strong blue collar history and proud cultural heritage, celebrations like St. Patrick’s Day are what St. Paul does best. And if you’re lucky enough to celebrate with a handful of off-duty St. Paul’s Finest (like I will), well, it’s even better. This year St. Patrick’s Day happens to fall on opening day of the WCHA Final Five tournament, featuring Bemidji State vs. Minnesota-Duluth and Alaska-Anchorage vs. Colorado College. While these matchups may not capture the imagination of America, most bars in St. Paul will open at 8:00 a.m. so you’ll have plenty of time to MAKE these games interesting, or at least have fun trying.
For my money, the WCHA Final Five championship game is one of the most underrated annual sporting events (Gophers vs. Iowa wrestling at the Barn, and the State High School wrestling tournament are the others) that we have. Regardless of who’s playing, the atmosphere is always electric. The ragtag Michigan Tech pep band will storm through the concourse playing a barely recognizable Smoke On The Water. UND fans will periodically glance toward the parking lot to see if their ox carts have been towed. Despite school allegiances, everyone will share in their communal hatred of WCHA referees. It’s magical. The WCHA Final Five tournament always serves as a solid cure for our annual Minnesota winter sports doldrums. You should go.
1Author’s Note: You’re looking at me kind of funny. You’ve heard of St. Paul, right? The capital city of Minnesota? No? Okay so let’s say you’re in Minneapolis, and then you drive east on Interstate 94. Now you’re in St. Paul. The state prison? No, that’s in St. Cloud. You’re thinking of St. Cloud. KISS? Wha.....f…..no, that’s Paul Stanley. Paul Stanley is a person. St. Paul is a city. They have streets and buildings and people and everything. Como Zoo? Cosetta’s? Alary’s? Really? Just forget it.
Your thoughts on manure smell power rankings, Michael Flatley, and the most underrated annual local sporting events are welcome in the comments below. Also, FREE WALLY.
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