Commenter Clarence Swamptown takes you gently into the darkness. Yes, this will be the last RandBall post until next Tuesday morning. Marthaler almost convinced us to do a "If Timberwolves players were Twilight characters" post to take things into the break, but Clarence saved the day. Here we go:

-----------------

Once again, World Cup soccer has come and gone, teased and disappointed. Every four years we receive a late-night drunken call from this exotic vixen. And every four years we eagerly rush to her apartment, lured by promises of an exciting multicultural soccer experience. This year, I am not sure, but I think Landon Donovan may have helped us get to second base. It was confusing and loud, slow and then fast, and there was a lot of flopping and beautiful hair. It was all rather disorienting, and as quickly as it started, soccer abruptly threw us onto the street with nothing more than a severe case of Ghana-rhea. Speaking on behalf of all soccer-agnostic American rubes, FIFA needs to do at least four things to increase my enjoyment of the game (note: all of this has been said before. None of these ideas are original. I just needed to get this off my chest): 1) Increase the number of shots on net. I have no idea how to make this happen, but the number of scoring chances NEEDS to increase. I love hockey, but I even I hate the Jacque Lemaire neutral-zone trap. It's boring. 2) Strictly penalize diving. Take the offender behind the barn and shoot him. I don't care. Soccer has way too much of everything I hate about hockey, especially diving. 3) Allow the players to use their hands, permit open-field tackling, and make the ball oblong. 4) Embrace technology. Goals are too few and far between to be negated by blind goofballs from countries nobody . The technology exists to efficiently review goals and offsides, so use it. Like I said, none of my ideas are new, but FIFA's resistance to change is limiting American expansion of their sport. *I stopped drinking early just so that I could drive the Cliff Lee bandwagon. I am the sobercab. I checked the tires, belts, plugs, and wires. It's ready to go. Let's get Wilson Ramos healthy so we can do this. *Considering Justin Bieber's popularity with preteen girls, I believe tonight's concert is nothing more than an elaborate scheme to coax Ricky Rubio into Target Center. *Outstate Bar and Country & Western Song of the Week: Little Angie's Cantina & Grill, Duluth, MN. Located right on the harbor, they serve a huge margarita that contains approximately 7 shots of tequila. After several of these drinks, I told that bartender that I was "about to disgorge, 26,000 tons more, than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty." Like you, she did not laugh. They have a beautiful outdoor patio that is particularly enjoyable on a summer evening when the cool breezes are blowing across the lake. You should go. *The Onion recently teased both Joe Mauer and Adrian Peterson.

*The injury to Joel Zumaya during Monday night's game made me sick to my stomach. I have walked off the field in the same way. After multiple knee and shoulder injuries, I retired from town team baseball in 2001. Embarrassingly, I put myself out to pasture to play bar league hockey and slowpitch softball. Last month, after innocently throwing a {redacted} softball 60 {redacted} feet, I dislocated my shoulder again. Tomorrow morning I will undergo surgery to repair the torn labrum (as expected, all of my friends, and my wife, hilariously claim that I actually have a torn {medical term for a similarly-named part of the female anatomy}) in my shoulder. I will be completely anesthetized, and my biggest fear is that I will wake up with my underwear on backwards. I have grown tired of the knee braces and arm slings, so I am announcing my retirement from all competitive sports. I am done. I am placing all of my unfulfilled athletic hopes on the stocky, 2-year old shoulders of my only son. Go get 'em Charlie. Daddy only yells because he loves you. And because he is drunk. Plyos start at 6 a.m. Your thoughts on FIFA, Cliff Lee, old Canadians, young Canadians, the Onion, and Joel Zumaya are welcome in the comments below.