You've clamored for it (have you?). You've written letters in protest of its demise (or not?). Back by popular demand, it's the Commenter Of the Week. This week, it's Muxhut, who made us laugh uproariously about video game cribbage. Muxhut, who reminds us that oddly enough his last COW was also on Minnesota's birthday last year (the Bacardi birthday, as he called it), has the floor: ------------------------

Muxhot is pregnant. As any good, irrational, overbearing parent-to-be would do, I've begun putting together training schedules. Here's the rough breakdown.

0-1yrs: Focus on lung capacity. Crying, screaming, more crying. Repeat hourly.
1-2yrs: Advanced motor skills. We're skipping right to walking because no child of mine will crawl.
2-5yrs: Playtime. Work this whole "sports are fun" thing out of the kid's system.
5-6yrs: Focus on competition. Kid should be in school, so the in-home "fight for your dinner" drills will only need to supplement the daily feral-cat-like environment of kindergarten.
6-8yrs: Running. At first we'll just enter in 1 mile fun runs. These are everywhere, we'll scout for weak fields to give the kid a taste of winning.
8-10yrs: Every. Sport. Period. For 2 years we will submerge the kid in crash-courses for every sport in existence, testing the child's abilities against a bell curve. Anything that falls within the top 5 percentile will be pursued, all other endeavors dropped.
10-13yrs: Now we're honing the kids skills in the approved fields. I am assuming that they will be endurance dog sledding, jujitsu, and full contact cribbage.
14-18yrs: High School. This will be a good time for the child to learn about maths, history, and the lunacy of being paid $184 million for playing a sport for any period of time ... but I will leave this education to the public schools because I am sure that will be good enough.
18yrs +: I assume the child will be out of my control at this point.

I also assume the child will be skipping 'college' and going directly into the pros in whatever sport is of their choice as long as it's baseball where they can make the most money. I further assume that no more guidance will be needed by me, a parent, for my child to instantly be able to handle multiple millions of dollars and all of the bottom-feeders that come along with that (y'know, sharks, incubi, and parasites ... I feel as though I have mentioned this before ...). I also assume that my child will thank me for being such a wonderful role model while crossing the plate after hitting the first ever five-run homer. I assume that life will be good.

Note: We're not sure whether the child will be a male child or a female child. If a female child, we will substitute the child's 13th year with a focused class on what is appropriate to post online. Joker will be used in a case study. A case study of what could go horribly, horribly wrong.

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Your thoughts on Muxhut's (hopefully? somewhat?) tongue-in-cheek plan in the comments.