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A modest proposal to have every Arena Football League team owned by a hair band

Posted by: Michael Rand under Professional football Updated: June 20, 2014 - 2:20 PM

Vince Neil of Motley Crue is creating an Arena Football League expansion team in Las Vegas, which apparently is the thing you do when you are a frontman from a 1980s hair band.

The Philadelphia Soul were once owned by Jon Bon Jovi. The Los Angeles franchise is named the KISS, and it is owned by Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons and co. (Yes, we're aware KISS preceded both bands and has a slightly different genre, but you watch the video for Heaven's On Fire and try telling us they weren't playing the game to make a buck in the 1980s).

There are 14 teams in the league currently. Neil's franchise would make it 15. We would really like it if every team in the league had some sort of hair band ownership affiliation. So here is how we propose to make that line up based on the current teams and bands that would make natural fits as owners:

WEST DIVISION

Arizona Rattlers: Alice Cooper has extensive ties to Arizona and the Phoenix area, having attended school there and launched his career there. He's already a massive golf fan, having credited that sport for helping him overcome substance abuse problems. Why not add football to the mix?

Los Angeles KISS: Spoken for, loud and clear. We would love to attend a game in full KISS face paint.

San Antonio Talons: A surprising lack of hair band acts have San Antonio origins, but we are in luck because there is a BAND called Talon. They formed in 2002, they can be found on the Spirit of Metal web site, and their 2010 release was called "Fire in Your Soul." Here's a song from it called "Still You Run." YES!

Las Vegas Outlaws (presumably in this division, though we wouldn't tell them what to do): Again, spoken for. Vince Neil was better at hair metal than most of us will ever be at anything else. Motley Crue rocked so hard, and we will fight anyone who claims otherwise. Also, we would call this team the Las Vegas Dr. Feelgoods, but that's just us.

PACIFIC DIVISION

Portland Thunder: This team should be owned by the Oregon-based glam metal band Black 'N Blue, which would immediately rename them the Portland Black 'N Blue. Per wikiOriginally calling themselves Movie Star, the band later chose the name Black 'N Blue based on their 'in-your-face' sound and denim and leather look. Do they have a song called "Chains Around Heaven" which could be used for short-yardage measurements? YES THEY DO.

San Jose SaberCats: All sorts of choices here if we expand to the entire Bay Area, but we'll go with Metallica, which has deep East Bay roots. An Arena team coming onto the field with "Unforgiven" or "Master of Puppets" blaring and James Hetfield screaming from the top of his lungs in the owner's box? Sign us up.

Spokane Shock: Again we run into trouble with a natural city affiliation, so we turn to the Canadian metal band Shock for the perfect ownership situation. Not sure they are going to finance a team $7 at a time, but then again we're not sure what a franchise in the AFL goes for.

EAST DIVISION

Cleveland Gladiators: Cleveland is the city of origin for Black Death, which per Wiki is noted as the first all-African-American heavy metal band. They've been around from 1977-present! If the song Night of the Living Death doesn't make you want to sack a quarterback, nothing will. (Seriously, this is great).

Iowa Barnstormers: Slipknot is from Des Moines.

Philadelphia Soul: Spoken for, even though Jon Bon Jovi is no longer the owner. Past or present affiliation is all we ask for.

Pittsburgh Power: Poison originated in Pennsylvania before relocating to California, and that is plenty good for us because we need the deep pockets and even deeper discography of a band like Poison in the modern AFL.

SOUTH DIVISION

Jacksonville Sharks: Limp Bizkit is from Jacksonville.

New Orleans Voodoo: New Orleans had a thriving metal scene in the late 1980s, but for our money Crowbar has to bee the owner of the team. Their debut CD was called "Obedience Thru Suffering," and nothing else can describe two-a-days better than that. Care to have a listen?

Orlando Predators: There's a band called Predator, and it has Florida ties. Enough said.

Tampa Bay Storm: Metal band Deicide hails from Tampa and formed like every band of that era formed: by answering an ad in a magazine. As if you needed any more urging that this band should own an AFL team, please read this passage from their wiki page, from their early days when they were performing as "Carnage": Malevolent Creation guitarist Phil Fasciana recalls an early Carnage show: "It was like Slayer intensified a thousand times. I guess Carnage had hollowed out a mannequin and filled it with [redacted] blood and guts from a butcher shop... and then they threw the [redacted] thing on the floor. Morbid Angel had these pit bulls with them back then and they were just tearing the meat up. It was a really weird scene, man. There was blood and meat everywhere.

Thoughts, improvements, etc., in the comments.

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