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Commenter Stu Presents: The Packers' Increasingly Lost Offseason, Draft Edition

Posted by: Michael Rand under Professional football, Vikings Updated: May 16, 2014 - 2:35 PM

Born out of a series of Tweets by @RandBallsStu, an idea by your humble proprietor and a sick thirst to rile up Packers fans for no good reason, we present a special offseason edition of "The Increasingly Lost Season." Stu will continue, tongue-in-cheek, to explain the Packers' misfortunes as they tumble from 15-1 Super Bowl repeat team of destiny to Randy Wright-esque putridity. (AP Photo of Clarence Swamptown in the year 2035 after a series of unfortunate events).




In the wake of a draft that saw the Green Bay Packers finally address some of their numerous flaws, if not nearly enough of them, one would hope the team’s aging star would be there to guide the rookies to success.  In an increasingly lost offseason, those hopes were dashed by the bright lights of Hollywood.

Undersized laurel-rester Aaron Rodgers, having successfully lobbied Beloved Leader Ted Thompson from yet again drafting a successor at quarterback, could have celebrated his ongoing coup by working with new receiving options like Davante Adams and Jared Abbrederis. Instead, the aspiring commercial actor has allegedly been canoodling with Hollywood starlet Olivia Munn

Should we be surprised that Hollywood Rodgers, who was notoriously absent during the 2013 season while Money Matt Flynn revived Green Bay’s playoff hopes, would bug out of the Fox River Valley for the “Magic Mike” co-star?  Of course not.  While leaders of men like Bart Starr and former Viking Brett Favre were all about the game, the Neenah Napoleon’s heart has always belonged to the bright lights of Tinseltown. 

(Yes, I’m aware of Favre’s appearance in There’s Something About Mary.  The important thing to remember about that is I do not care.)

The part that hurts the most is that Thompson and Green Bay went out of their way to add offensive pieces in the draft in a transparent effort to please the starstruck Rodgers, while their tire fire of a defense was given a couple band aids and a pat on the back.  The Pack correctly took Ha-Ha Clinton Dix with their first pick to shore up their porous secondary, then figured, what the heck, let’s take a defensive tackle project in the 3rd and a 25-year-old cornerback in the 6th and let Dom Capers go to work.  Because when you finish 25th in the league in yards allowed, you definitely don’t want to mess with what “works.” 

Speculation that Capers has compromising video of head coach Mike McCarthy admitting that the Lambeau Leap is tired and stupid remains unconfirmed, but the fact that neither man has denied it means it won’t be going away.

Up next for the Packers are the various mini-camps before training camp begins in the summer, where it’s typical for fans to embrace the optimism and potential of a new season. In this bummer of an increasingly lost offseason, one wonders if the Green and Gold faithful will be able to put a brave face on what looks like another slow-motion disaster. (That’s not a Julius Peppers joke.)


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