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Clearance Clarence: A very Clarence take on Parise and Suter

Posted by: Michael Rand under NHL news Updated: July 6, 2012 - 2:46 PM

When Clarence Swamptown announced his retirement from weekly guest blog posting a few months back, it saddened the RandBall community. But we told him that the door was always open for special guest posts, and yesterday he found some time and certainly some inspiration. So here is Clarence's take on the Wild's signing of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter -- truly, opinions that only Clarence could have. Here he is:


In a recent RandBall post regarding the Minnesota Wild's free agent acquisitions of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, Michael stated that, "We haven't really heard any grumbling that Parise played at UND and Suter played for the Badgers."


That's not true, Michael. That's not true at all. I don't like the Parise or Suter acquisitions, and I grumbled about it. I grumbled a lot, and I will continue to grumble for a long time.


I understand that my viewpoint is extremely unpopular right now, and in no way do I mean to rain on the Wild fan's parade. My discontent isn't easy to explain, and probably doesn't make any sense to most sane, judicious people. I get that. So in an effort to defend my viewpoint, I secured an interview with the only person I know that can stand being with me for more than 5 minutes: Me. I work long hours alone in remote sections of outstate Minnesota, so talking to myself isn't that unusual. Here is the transcript of my interview with myself:


Clarence Swamptown: First of all, we know that you are not our biggest fan. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.


Clarence Swamptown: Yeah, I think you're a jerk. That's no secret. But I'm willing to move past it if you are.


CS: You seem to be the only person in Minnesota who is unhappy with the Parise and Suter free agent acquisitions. Explain your position.


CS: I am happy that the Wild is making a strong push to be competitive. I want the Wild to win, and I want their free agent aggressiveness to wash off on the other clubs in this town. But I'm also a giant Gopher rube. I don't like that Parise and Suter played for UND and Wisconsin, respectively. If I had my druthers, I would like every Gopher to be from Minnesota. And when it comes to professional sports, I don't like pulling for former members of the Gophers rivals. I'm an unabashed homer and I won't apologize for it.


CS: That's a rather illogical and unsophisticated way to be a sports fan.


CS: Logic? Sophistication? Well pardon me Mr. Gatsby. I didn't realize we were at a Great Neck dinner party.


CS: You seem defensive.


CS: I'm not being defensive, you're being defensive. Why is it always the other person that's being defensive?


CS: Fine, you big baby. I still think you're being childish and irrational.


CS: It's sports. We're cheering for adult children playing a child's game. When did maturity and reason become necessary for being a sports fan? They are luxuries. If you have cheered for Minnesota sports as long as I have and can still remain rational and dispassionate, God bless you. I can't. I lost that battle long ago.


CS: Do you think you will ever change your opinion on Parise and Suter? Could they grow on you?


CS: Maybe. Maybe over time, if the Wild starts winning, I will get wrapped up in the moment and let bygones be bygones. I hope that happens. And by the time their 13-year contracts have expired I will be almost 50 years old, so maybe I will have matured by then. But I doubt it.


CS: With so many stipulations on who you can cheer for, who IS your favorite Wild player? Do you even have one?


CS: Not really. I like Gophers and I like certain Canadians. That's it. Wait, Matt Kassian. He's a brawler. Where's he from?


CS: Alberta.


CS: Alberta? Cool. I'm OK with that. Matt Kassian is my favorite player.


CS: Our sources tell us that on a road trip to Grand Forks, you intentionally urinated on Ralph Engelstad Arena.


CS: {stunned silence}.


CS: Furthermore, our sources tell us that in your youth you also intentionally urinated on the old Ralph Engelstad Arena. Is this true? Have you intentionally urinated on both Ralph Engelstad Arenas?


CS: This interview is over.


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