Each week, commenter Clarence Swamptown delights you with his reviews of outstate bars/diners and his skewed view of the sports landscape. We can report that Clarence seems to have recovered nicely from Saturday's Gophers/NDSU game and is now at full strength. (Always was!) Clarence?

----------

* Outstate Bar of the Week: The Nickerson Bar and Motel, Nickerson, Minnesota.

What is the bar famous for? The Nickerson Bar and Motel is the only thing in Nickerson. You can't miss it. The bar is tiny, but it's newly remodeled with pine tongue-and-groove from floor to ceiling -- as an outstate bar should be. There's a standup freezer behind the bar that houses frosted Kerr jars for the beer and Kettle River pizzas for the pizza oven. It's paradise. Can I watch the game there? Yep. There's a flat screen above the bar. Can I watch the NASCAR race there? You know it. Do they have a website? No. What bar games are available? There's a dart board over by the entrance, but anytime someone walks in you're liable to get hit by the front door while throwing. They've also got one of those touch-screen game things. But just sit at the bar and eat your pizza and drink your beer and talk with the owner. She's a nice lady. *Outstate Diner of the Week: Peggy Sue's, Willow River, Minnesota. What are they famous for? Located a few blocks west of Interstate 35 in downtown Willow River, on your way to Duluth, Peggy Sue's looks like it might be someone's old house. On the inside, there are a handful of mismatched tables scattered throughout what must have been the old living and dining rooms. There's one waitress who runs all the tables and the till. There's one cook who runs the tiny kitchen in the back. What are the waitresses like? Like I always say, if you drank too much at an outstate bar on Friday night, the last thing you need on Saturday morning is a perky young waitress who doesn't know what the {redacted} she's doing. Oh, you're working your way through college, Ashley? Yeah, that's fascinating. How 'bout you work your way through getting me some coffee. Peggy Sue's waitress is not a perky young amateur. She is a salty veteran. That is what you want. How's the food? Great. I usually don't pass up an opportunity to order bacon, but I have to say that Peggy Sue's sausage patties are pretty wonderful. You know what? Just get both. Do they have a website? No. Are they on Twitter? No. Anything else I should know? The last time I was in Peggy Sue's they were hosting the weekly Red Hat Society breakfast. What is the Red Hat Society? Their mission statement says they're actually a "global society of women that supports and encourages women in their pursuit of fun, friendship, freedom, fulfillment, and fitness." You could have fooled me. * Country and Western Song of the Week: She Never Knew Me by Don Williams. * A Modest Proposal: The Minnesota Twins have spent a lot of time and money building an image for their franchise. They pride themselves on doing the "little things" right. They brand their players as hard-working and wholesome boys next door. They market Target Field as a family-friendly destination. The 2011 Minnesota Twins season has not developed as planned. Their players haven't done the "little things" right for quite a while and their defensive and base running deficiencies have never been more apparent. Some players have been exposed as potential malcontents and/or malingerers. That clean-cut Twins image is quickly eroding. Despite this, Target Field still has a family-friendly atmosphere. The Twins still offer single game tickets for the OurFamily Section, where $23 gets you a seat in sections 310 or 311, a hot dog, and a pop. No alcohol sales are allowed in these sections. Theoretically, this area is family-friendly because nobody can access the overpriced beer. It's a solid theory and I don't have any problem with the promotion. Let Ned Flanders have his fun. But as long as the players' images are fading, perhaps the Twins should also consider revamping portions of Target Field into a less family-friendly experience. You may not be old enough to remember the old Met Center. In the 1980s, before a corporate ambience began to permeate every nook and cranny of professional sports, North Star home games felt like a Slapshot outtake. Your average Joe Lunchbox could afford a ticket. Beer was relatively cheap and Joe took full advantage. Al Secord stunk and Joe let him know that. It was awesome. For next year's Twins games, I hereby propose the SwamptownFamily Section, targeted specifically toward lowlifes and degenerates. $5 gets you a ticket, a bottomless red Solo cup and a dance at a local establishment. The section should be located close enough that Phil Cuzzi can smell the onions on our breath as we shout at him. Anyone starting the wave gets punched in the face. You get to shoot a t-shirt cannon at TC Bear. The promotional possibilities are limitless. If the Twins actually plan on starting Trevor Plouffe or Tsuyoshi Nishioka at shortstop in 2012, they owe us this. Nay, we DESERVE this.

Your thoughts on Kettle One frozen pizza, the Red Hat Society, 1980s North Star games and the SwamptownFamily Section are welcome in the comments below.