Each week, commenter Newbie writes about something other than football, basketball, hockey or baseball. Because let's face it, that's about all we ever write about. Newbie? --------

2011 US Open Week

This year's US Open is at the Congressional Country Club, located just down the road from Washington DC. At least someone is getting some work done in that town.

The USGA prides itself on making this tournament a challenge by keeping long roughs, faster greens, tighter fairways, etc. ... It also fields a group of amateurs and pros that mostly had to qualify to get a spot. So, you can always find a storyline to root for.

Some people ask me, "Newbie, will you ever qualify for the US Open?" First, those people have never seen me golf, or they wouldn't ask. Second, no. My practice routine consists of going out in the backyard with the 2-year old, handing him his plastic clubs while taking my wedge. He proceeds to take that club from me. So, I grab another one. He takes that one too. Then he gets bored and says "all done!" He grabs the golf balls, hands them to me, and wants me to juggle. I don't know how the "good" players practice, but I'm sure they actually get a chance to swing a club.

Anyway, here is what the most likely outcome of this weekends tournament will be based on early reports.

After the leader shoots par on Thursday, the USGA feels the course may be too easy, so they install concrete bricks, moats, and windmills on the greens and beehives in the sand traps.

Stewart Cink, distraught the Atlanta Thrashers are moving to Winnipeg, stages a "protest" on Friday by taking one stroke for every soft goal Robert Luongo has allowed in the playoffs. He cards an 82.

Padraig Harrington is disqualified when it is pointed out by a viewer that his use of cushioned shoe inserts is considered "building a stance."

Rory McIlroy, leading after Saturday, takes a cue from his friend LeBron James and sits out the fourth round in order to avoid another collapse. He spends the day tweeting with Lee Westwood.

Ben Crane, Hunter Mahan, Rickie Fowler, and Bubba Watson collectively decide to miss the cut and go around the course singing their new "hit" song. Augusta National is seen shaking it's head.

Friday, Alexi Casilla goes 4-4 with three triples, 8 RBI, 3 SB, turns a triple play, fixes a broken beer tap in a concession stand, and saves a child in the tenth row that was choking on a hot dog. He is unstoppable right now.*

The USGA changes it's phone number after a phone call from a viewer informing them that Dustin Johnson's caddy had set his bag down in a sandy area in the parking lot that could be considered a bunker and he should be disqualified.

This week Adam Scott "borrowed" Tiger's caddy, Steve Williams, and is 1 shot off the lead on Saturday. A concerned Tiger Woods, thinking he might lose his caddy after everything he has been through, cuts off his leg and attaches a piano leg as a replacement and hobbles up to the clubhouse saying "I got better." He takes Rory's tee-time and shoots a 65.


John Daly is found to have been tied up with a phone cord by Harrington after it is discovered that his cynical views were causing him to make all those phone calls. Investigators say there was a copy of the rule book next to his computer and a browser page open to a blog called "RandBall." He was logged in with the name "jmarthaler".

His best finish at a US Open was missing the cut in 1992, but that doesn't stop David Feherty from making fun of this week's golfers and turning every analogy into a plug for his new show. CBS is just glad he is avoiding politics.

*Unrelated but obviously a noteworthy accomplishment. Look at that, a whole post about some activity in DC and not a single Obama, Weiner, or Palin joke.