Each week commenter Clarence Swamptown sends us the UNVARNISHED TRUTH according to him, we clean it up to avoid trouble, and you still laugh. Let's try it again, shall we? Clarence:

------------- Everyone knows that the Minnesota Twins have a general aversion to advanced statistics. They prefer scouts to sabermetrics. They prefer first-hand reports to super-computer calculations. This approach has served them well over the years, but the rough start to the 2011 season has started to change the attitudes of those within the Twins' front office. As RandBall discussed last week, the Twins have had a revolving door at shortstop since 2007. With the recent injury to Trevor Plouffe and the overall incompetence of Alexi Casilla, the Twins are once again searching for a replacement at this position. In a Clearance Clarence exclusive, I have been commissioned by the Twins' front office to develop computer software that can process shortstop characteristics valued by the organization, and use those inputs to identify potential shortstop solutions. Not surprisingly, the only computer the Twins own is a 1973 Wang 2200 stored in the basement of the Metrodome. This will make my job more difficult, and I'll have to use my limited knowledge of DOS formatting, but let's see if we can turn lemons into lemonade. I hereby present the Minnesota Twins Shortstop Modulator 1.0:

[LOGIN MTSM 1.0] [ATTRIB]: [d:][path]filename[/S]: [INPUT]: ability to play every day like Brendan Harris. [+] [INPUT]: reasonable productivity from the top of the order like Christian Guzman. [+] [INPUT]: overall piranha-ness of Denny Hocking. [=] (computing…computing…computing…computing…)

What the…no…WE ALREADY HAD JASON BARTLETT. Okay Clarence, calm down, it's only a minor setback. The program code needs adjusting. Just modify the end line rotary girder…lefty loosey righty tighty…okay, let's try this again: [DELETE] [ATTRIB]: [d:][path]filename[/S]: [INPUT]: strong arm like Alexi Casilla. [+] [INPUT]: steady hands like Adam Everett. [+] [INPUT]: relative power and ability to charm the ladies like Trevor Plouffe. [=] (computing…computing…computing…computing…)

{Redacted}. Don't you understand that we cannot afford J.J. Hardy YOU STUPID {REDACTED} COMPUTER. Okay, deep breaths. Just try a few more alterations to the program code. Adjust the carburetor…increase fuel to the float bowl…actuate the camshaft…okay, one more time. Here we go: [DELETE] [ATTRIB]: [d:][path]filename[/S]: [INPUT]: positional flexibility of Juan Castro. [+] [INPUT]: grittiness and battle-your-tail-off-iness of Matt Tolbert. [+] [INPUT]: veteran leadership of Orlando Cabrera. [=] (computing…computing…computing…computing…)

[EXIT] [LOGOFF MTSM 1.0]

*Country & Western Song of the Week: Now That It's Over by Everclear. A rock-solid breakup song. *Outstate Bar of the Week: RandBall contributor randballsstu took a trip to Pipestone over the weekend. He stopped at a bar along the way, as he is wont to do. I asked Stu to provide a recap of this bar, and he obliged. Take it away, Stu: Bar Name: Woebee's Bar & Grill, Holland, MN What is the bar famous for? The bar occupies what remains of Holland's old school building. This includes the gymnasium, so part of the bar still has the old basketball floorboards. "Woebee" is Mark Woeberl, a town ball legend in that part of the state and a very gregarious presence behind the bar. If you go, designate a driver and order up a round of "apple pie." It is not served in a Mason jar, but it would otherwise do Mags Bennett proud. Can I watch the game there? Yes. There may be a TV for every person in Holland. Can I watch the NASCAR race there? Undoubtedly. Do they have a website? No, but they do have a Facebook page. What bar games are available? The usual, plus a nice sand volleyball court. Recent remodeling has seen the removal of the basketball hoop, which on at least one occasion was lowered from the ceiling so patrons could play an ill-advised game of drunk HORSE inside the bar. [Clarence's note: This bar sounds awesome. I sort of play drunken HORSE at the bar except my version involves puking. Thanks for the review, Stu!] Your thoughts on the MTSM 1.0, Everclear, and apple pie are welcome in the comments below.