Michael Rand started RandBall with hopes that he could convince the world to love jumpsuits as much as he does. So far, he's only succeeded in using the word "redacted" a lot. He welcomes suggestions, news tips, links of pure genius, and pictures of pets in Halloween costumes here, though he already knows he will regret that last part.

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Clearance Clarence: Nishioka, outstate diners and the Twins roster

Posted by: Michael Rand under Target Field, Twins fans Updated: March 1, 2011 - 4:35 PM

Commenter Clarence Swamptown does his thing pretty much every Tuesday. This week, he will serve as the last post of the day because, well, that's the kind of day it's been. As always, the opinions expressed by Clarence do not necessarily reflect those of RandBall or the Star Tribune. Clarence?

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* Possibly Inappropriate But Probably Just Mistranslated Tsuyoshi Nishioka Quote Of The Week:  Tsuyoshi Nishioka has reported to camp with a double-digit entourage of Japanese media and the inside track on becoming the 2011 Minnesota Twins’ Meme of the Year.  We don’t know a lot about this guy, so we’ve been tracking his quotes to the Japanese media and then clumsily running them through Yahoo’s Babelfish translator. So far Tsuyoshi has proven to have kind of a potty mouth. From Nikkan Sports:

Twins second baseman Nishioka Tsuyoshi and an outfielder batting combination is expected to Span, “It’s in conjunction with the Span but to be stuck in a restraint (laughter).”
 
Pulp Fiction II,  Denard and Tsuyoshi.
 
* Equally Inappropriate Quote by Ron Gardenhire About Tsuyoshi Nishioka as Reported in English And Then Translated to Japanese And Then Back to English, Of The Week: From something called the Sponichi Annex:
 
Director Gadenhaia, a traditional tree army Good Morning America, "I did until I tired of the knockers,” he said, his face red with flying.
 
*Outstate Diner of the Week:  Wiederholt’s Supper Club, Miesville, Minnesota. 
 
What are they famous for? Wiederholt’s is my go-to place for a celebratory dinner or a nice night out with my wife.  They’re windowless wood-paneled rooms and retro decor are straight out of a 1960s.  Even the bar-top cash register is old-school.
 
What are the waitresses like?  Weathered and salty, just like how I like them. My wife and I have a whole bunch of children at home. I’m not even sure how many there are. I think there’s 7 or 8 of them. They’re stacked up like cord wood. Anyway, the point is that we rarely get a night out alone. So if I’m spending money on a nice dinner I want a waitress who knows what the {redacted} she’s doing. Wiederholt’s waitresses are like that.
 
How’s the food?  It seems like bona fide old-fashioned supper clubs are a thing of the past. If you’re so old you can’t remember, or if you’ve never experienced a real supper club, here’s your chance. Every meal comes with a basket of hot rolls and a silver-platter relish tray roughly the size of Matt Tolbert.  Try the king-cut prime rib. It’s incredible. It’s only about a 45-minute drive from the Twin Cities. If your restaurant routine is getting stale and you’re looking to mix it up, give them a try for your next date night.
 
Do they have a website?  Holy {redacted}, they do.
 
Are they on Twitter?  No.
 
Anything else I should know?  I call it Wiener-holders because I am a child.
 
* Country & Western Song of the Week: I usually don’t post a lot of web site links around here because Jon Marthaler has that angle polished down to a wonderful shine. But the new blog by former baseball beat writer and current Esquire contributor Chris Jones is quickly becoming one of my favorites. His recent post on the dos and don’ts of locker room etiquette offered this amusing insight:
 
“I hope the entire Baltimore Orioles clubhouse from the 1999 season dies broke and alone. (Holy {redacted}, what a miserable bunch of felons and {redacted}heels. They made me not believe in chemistry—the whole {redacted} science.)”
 
A quick review of that roster unearths Will Clark, Albert Belle, and Sidney Pontoon Ponson.
 
Like anyone else, I have occasional problems with how the Minnesota Twins are operated.  The perception is they are still rubbing together the first two pennies Carl earned in 1921.  Their free agent history is laughable (see Batista, Tony) and Gardy’s middle-infielder myopia drives me {redacted} crazy.  Bill Smith’s trade record is questionable.  That said, at least the Twins offer a team that is both perennially competitive AND not douche-y. That’s not easy to do. 
 
I realize it’s only a game and we’re “just cheering for laundry." We don’t know the true personalities of any of these guys.  I try not to be naïve.   But for all their faults, I appreciate that the Twins make a conscious effort to field a team mostly devoid of giant toolboxes.  That makes it a lot easier to waste my summers pulling for these guys.
 
Okay, I just re-read the last few paragraphs and realize that they might come off a little weak.  I’m not endorsing a team full of tapioca choir-boys like Joe Mauer.  That would be boring.  I love guys with limited talent but a little of bit of an angry edge that always seem to live on the roster fringes.  Forgettable guys like Bobby Korecky and Anthony Herrera who survive on {redacteds} more than skill.  I pray that Rick Anderson gives the last bullpen spot to anyone that shows the slightest ability to ruin the {redacted} of any {redacted} who throws within 18 inches of Justin Morneau’s head.  I just want to make that clear.  There’s a fine line between a jerk and someone who won’t pee their pants against the Yankees in the playoffs.  The Twins probably need more guys who live in that gray area. 
 
Anyway, I didn’t expect to go off on that rant like that. Back to Chris Jones.  His current Q&A with Sports Illustrated’s Jeff Pearlman reminded me of one of my favorite songs of the ‘90s, Blind Melon’s ChangeThat’s a good song.
 
Your impression to date of Tsuyoshi Nishioka, and your thoughts on director Garenhaia, hidden date-night locales and the Twins’ last bullpen spot are welcome in the comments below.
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