Patrick Reusse's 2013 Turkey of the Year: Terry Ryan

  • Article by: PATRICK REUSSE , Star Tribune
  • Updated: November 26, 2014 - 5:46 PM

The chairman of the Turkey Committee made grandiose promises when he pushed through his agenda to increase access to the annual Thanksgiving Day banquet.

The Turkey Chairman stated numerous times that this new program would make the banquet available to countless people of modest means and without a company plan to help cover the cost of tickets.

Simultaneously, the chairman vowed there would be no impact on those with pre-existing seats at a table.

The 36th Thanksgiving feast arrives this afternoon and, frankly, we have no idea what in the wide, wide world of sports is going to happen. The chairman only can apologize again for the glitches that have taken place at affordableturkeytix.org.

Our website contractors haven’t been able to ascertain how people trying to confirm reservations or register for newly available banquet tickets are being diverted to a guy named Uygulamalavi requesting money in a foreign language.

I’m sure we’ll have it figured out by next Thanksgiving. Meantime, there’s one more piece of business before the roll call of Turkeys:

Committee members deliberated for several hours before declaring that Aaron Hernandez was ineligible to capture the 2013 Turkey of the Year. We decided that being indicted on a murder charge — and the possibility it wasn’t his first — gave the former Patriots tight end an unfair advantage.

Plus, how bad would people feel if they wound up in a higher position on the 2013 Turkey list than Aaron Hernandez?

Let’s proceed with the list of honored guests:

Vodka Samm,” student, University of Iowa: This 22-year-old Hawkeye blew a blood alcohol level of .341 after a public intoxication arrest at an Iowa football game and lived to tell about it. The Committee actually has asked her to attend the banquet as a celebrity bartender.

Michael Hemesath, president, St. John’s University: Hemesath marked the departure of John Gagliardi after 60 seasons in Collegeville by saying: “Obviously, I understand winning is much more fun than losing for our athletes. But I’m not obsessed with building a winning program.” A beautiful sentiment from the St. John’s boss as the search was underway to replace the winningest coach in the history of college football.

David Arsenault, men’s basketball coach, Grinnell College: This is the sportsman who thinks it’s quite a giggle to have his star, Jack Taylor, score over 100 points against hapless, tiny Christian schools with the manpower of so-so high school teams.

Cliff Alexander, 6-8 basketball star, Chicago Curie High School: He was rated the nation’s No. 5 recruit. That mandated (by ego) that he hold a media event to announce his college choice. He faked putting on a hat for home-state Illinois, then went to a Kansas hat. And his papa, bedecked in shades, clearly loved the taunt. Classy kid, Jayhawks.

John and Nicole Grant, football fans from Tinley Park, Ill.: John is a Bears fan and Nicole is a Packers fan. They were in a bar in Mayville, Wis., watching those teams play on Nov. 4. The Bears won and John shocked his wife a couple of times with a stun gun. Police were called. They found evidence on Nicole’s cellphone with her saying she would allow herself to be zapped if the Packers lost. Alcohol was said to be involved.

Sweet Pea,” hostess/entertainer, King of Diamonds in Miami: Bryant McKinnie was celebrating his birthday on a party bus. Nothing new in that. Sweet Pea came along. When one of McKinnie’s teammates with the Baltimore Ravens, Jacoby Jones, got a little fresh, Sweet Pea hit him over the head with a giant Ace of Spades bottle of champagne. An ambulance was required. Way to spoil McKinnie’s 34th birthday, Sweet Pea.

Tiger Woods, golfer: It was possible to stretch the imagination and give Woods the benefit of the doubt on his illegal drop at the Masters. When he dropped a ball 100 yards forward from the point it crossed the waterline a few weeks later at the Players Championship (which he won), there was a different conclusion: Being the most talented golfer in the history of mankind isn’t enough for Tiger. He’s willing to fudge the rules.

John and Andy Arlotta, owners, Minnesota Swarm: They sent out an e-mail begging fans for support, saying the financial model for their indoor lacrosse team “is not sustainable.” Listen, fellas, all make-believe sports that involve playing games in arenas that are intended to be played on fields — football, soccer, lacrosse, BASEketball — are ridiculous and deserve to be “not sustainable.”

Dirk Hayhurst, studio analyst, TBS baseball playoffs: It’s tough enough to remember these games are on TBS. And when you finally find one and encounter this dork in a bow tie pontificating … aaargh!

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Buffalo 12:00 PM
New England
Cleveland 12:00 PM
Baltimore
Dallas 12:00 PM
Washington
Indianapolis 12:00 PM
Tennessee
Jacksonville 12:00 PM
Houston
San Diego 12:00 PM
Kansas City
NY Jets 12:00 PM
Miami
Chicago 12:00 PM
Minnesota
Philadelphia 12:00 PM
NY Giants
New Orleans 12:00 PM
Tampa Bay
Carolina 3:25 PM
Atlanta
Detroit 3:25 PM
Green Bay
Oakland 3:25 PM
Denver
Arizona 3:25 PM
San Francisco
St. Louis 3:25 PM
Seattle
Cincinnati 7:30 PM
Pittsburgh
TBA 1/3/15 2:00 AM
TBA
TBA 1/3/15 2:00 AM
TBA
Toronto 110 FINAL
LA Clippers 98
Boston 88 FINAL
Washington 101
Orlando 102 FINAL
Charlotte 94
Memphis 103 FINAL
Miami 95
Indiana 110 FINAL
Brooklyn 85
New Orleans 100 FINAL
Chicago 107
Atlanta 90 FINAL
Milwaukee 85
Philadelphia 71 FINAL
Utah 88
New York 129 FINAL
Sacramento 135
Minnesota 97 FINAL
Golden State 110
NY Islanders 3 FINAL(SO)
Buffalo 4
Detroit 3 FINAL(OT)
Ottawa 2
Carolina 1 FINAL
Tampa Bay 2
New Jersey 1 FINAL
NY Rangers 3
Boston 2 FINAL
Columbus 6
Winnipeg 4 FINAL(OT)
Minnesota 3
Washington 3 FINAL
Pittsburgh 0
Dallas 4 FINAL
St. Louis 3
Philadelphia 1 FINAL
Nashville 4
Anaheim 1 FINAL(SO)
Arizona 2
Chicago 5 FINAL
Colorado 2
Edmonton 1 FINAL
Calgary 4
San Jose 1 FINAL
Los Angeles 3
Indiana 87 FINAL
Georgetown 91
Maine 43 FINAL
Seton Hall 72
UNC-Wilmington 82 FINAL
Minnesota 108
Georgia State 61 FINAL
Green Bay 78
Jacksonville St 61 FINAL
Jacksonville 75
Kentucky 58 FINAL
Louisville 50
Northern Ky 55 FINAL
Northwestern 76
UAB 58 FINAL
North Carolina 89
IUPUI 55 FINAL
Pepperdine 53
Santa Clara 60 FINAL
St Marys-CA 73
Oakland 56 FINAL
Maryland 72
Gonzaga 87 FINAL
BYU 80
Mercer 77 FINAL
Georgia 86
San Francisco 77 FINAL
Pacific 71
Wright State 55 FINAL
Ohio State 100
Presbyterian 65 FINAL
Virginia Tech 87
Brescia 42 FINAL
Western Ky 89
Tennessee St 46 FINAL
Tennessee 67
Kennesaw St 45 FINAL
Illinois 93
Colorado State 58 FINAL
New Mexico St 57
Portland 61 FINAL
San Diego 58
Wayland Baptist 63 FINAL
Utah State 75
Bristol University 59 FINAL
Weber State 109
Sacramento St 74 FINAL
Utah Valley U 49
Southern Utah 45 FINAL
UNLV 79
SD Christian 50 FINAL
San Diego St 72
Illinois 18 FINAL
Louisiana Tech 35
Rutgers 40 FINAL
North Carolina 21
NC State 34 FINAL
UCF 27
Cincinnati 17 FINAL
Virginia Tech 33
(15) Arizona State 36 FINAL
Duke 31
Miami-Florida 21 FINAL
So Carolina 24
Boston College 30 FINAL
Penn State 31
(25) Nebraska 42 FINAL
(24) USC 45
Texas A&M 12/29/14 1:00 PM
West Virginia
Oklahoma 12/29/14 4:30 PM
(18) Clemson
Arkansas 12/29/14 8:00 PM
Texas
Notre Dame 12/30/14 2:00 PM
(22) LSU
(13) Georgia 12/30/14 5:45 PM
(20) Louisville
Maryland 12/30/14 9:00 PM
Stanford
(9) Ole Miss 12/31/14 11:30 AM
(6) TCU
(21) Boise State 12/31/14 3:00 PM
(12) Arizona
(8) Miss State 12/31/14 7:00 PM
(10) Georgia Tech
(19) Auburn 1/1/15 11:00 AM
(17) Wisconsin
(7) Michigan State 1/1/15 11:30 AM
(4) Baylor
(16) Missouri 1/1/15 12:00 PM
Minnesota
(2) Florida State 1/1/15 4:00 PM
(3) Oregon
(5) Ohio State 1/1/15 7:30 PM
(1) Alabama
Houston 1/2/15 11:00 AM
Pittsburgh
Iowa 1/2/15 2:20 PM
Tennessee
(11) Kansas State 1/2/15 5:45 PM
(14) UCLA
Washington 1/2/15 9:15 PM
Oklahoma State
East Carolina 1/3/15 11:00 AM
Florida
SMU 45 FINAL
(2) Connecticut 96
UCF 64 FINAL
Houston 50
BYU 62 FINAL
Gonzaga 78
Pacific 92 FINAL
San Francisco 54
St Marys-CA 62 FINAL
Santa Clara 61
San Diego 87 FINAL
Portland 65

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