Turkey of the Year 2001: Cris Carter and Randy Moss

  • Updated: November 21, 2012 - 8:15 PM

The Turkey Committee did not host mere dinners to fete its award winners over the previous eight years. These were Thanksgiving feasts:
Huge, pen-raised, hormone-enhanced birds, baked to golden perfection. Sweet potatoes the size of a toddler's head. Mounds of well-seasoned, raisin-free stuffing. Endless rows of pumpkin and pecan pies.

Sadly, the Turkey Committee has had to face the reality the Clinton economic boom is over. We have been forced to cut back substantially on the vittles for the 24th annual Turkey Banquet. That substance on your plate is pressed turkey roll. One dab of stuffing per plate. Itsy-bitsy pumpkin squares.

Folks, times are tough here at the Turkey Committee, too. The only thing we have in abundance is Turkey candidates.

Roll call, please:

- Don Lucia: Colgate. Bemidji State. Play these college hockey sad sacks if you must, Coach Lucia. Just don't forget to cover up all references to the "Pride on Ice" slogan at Mariucci Arena.

- Michael Jordan: Exactly what the young Wizards needed . . . a 38-year-old ball hog.

- Ari Fleisher: We're off the sports beat here, but admit it: If you covered the White House and had t deal with this condescending press secretary every day, the temptation to stick your head in the oven along with today's Thanksgiving dinner would be overwhelming.

- Mike Helton: The NASCAR president was in charge of the organization's months-long attempt to manipulate the investigations into Dale Earnhardt's death at the Daytona 500 in February.

For sure, Helton and his employers, the France family, did not want any report stating definitively that "soft walls" - a very expensive improvement - would have prevented Earnhardt's death.

- Sara Jane Olson: What has been your favorite part of Sara Jane's court appearances? The Turkey Committee especially enjoyed the sighs and head shakes when the judge made her return to court to reaffirm a guilty plea on taking part in the pre-planning of a plot to blow up L.A. cop cars. What an actress! Please, judge, forget the latest change of Sara Jane's mind. Just let her go and she will promise to donate several jars of her famous strawberry preserves to a food shelter.

- Tom Moe: J Robinson's campaign against the damage Title IX has done to men's collegiate sports has led to a seething resentment toward Robinson within the University of Minnesota establishment. And Robinson, even with last spring's national championship, has not received public support from Moe, an athletic director who continues to come off not as an advocate for his department but as a toady for university president Mark Yudof.

- Lee Greenwood: Every time we have a national crisis, this one-song opportunist shows up before every kickoff and first pitch and tipoff imaginable. Enough, Lee. Go back into hiding.

- Tony Dungy: The committee does not often admit errors. Here's one: We were unanimous in the belief a nice guy serving as an NFL head coach could get the best from his players.

- Joe Mauer: What could be the Twins' last act of Minnesota loyalty was to use the No. l draft pick on Mauer, the St. Paul high school star. Mauer was so moved he delayed most of the $5 million signing bonus until he could establish residency in Florida and avoid Minnesota taxes.
These contenders were eliminated in preliminary voting. Three entities made it to the final round of balloting.

- Second runners-up: There are 772,285 Minnesotans who can claim this status. You know who you are. You voted for Jesse Ventura in the 1998 gubernatorial election.

- First runners-up: Carl and Jim Pohlad. Smilin' Carl already held the distinction of being the only two time winner as Grand Turkey. Admittedly, the Turkey Committee received substantial public pressure to make it three times, thus allowing Pohlad to retire the trophy.

The Pohlads' Turkey pedigree was reinforced when son Jim claimed an eagerness to run the team. Roughly 10 minutes later, the truth came out that his father had volunteered the Twins for contraction.

The committee admits it was leaning this way - until Sunday, when a maximum of 2,000 people could muster the concern to show up for the Save the Twins rally outside the Metrodome. That made it official. This is a pro football town, meaning Purple-clad Turkeys deserve extra credit.

- 2001 Grand Turkeys: Randy Moss and Cris Carter.

Our heroic receivers have teamed up for sideline displays that led to their Vikings being ridiculed coast to coast.

Moss allows his pouting to carry over to the field much more often than Carter. For that reason, there was strong support within the Turkey Committee to make this a Moss-only honor.

Then, a committeeman rose and said: `Two points on Carter. One, Mo' Power. Two, the sideline stuff - Carter's the one who should know better. He's an adult."
Without apology, the committee announces Moss and Carter as co-winners of the Grand Turkey. All we would ask is that Randy repeats the 5-yard Turkey Trot from Monday night's second touchdown while on his way to receive this championship hardware.

  • get related content delivered to your inbox

  • manage my email subscriptions


Philadelphia 12/20/14 3:30 PM
San Diego 12/20/14 7:25 PM
San Francisco
Minnesota 12/21/14 12:00 PM
Baltimore 12/21/14 12:00 PM
Detroit 12/21/14 12:00 PM
Cleveland 12/21/14 12:00 PM
Atlanta 12/21/14 12:00 PM
New Orleans
Green Bay 12/21/14 12:00 PM
Tampa Bay
Kansas City 12/21/14 12:00 PM
New England 12/21/14 12:00 PM
NY Jets
NY Giants 12/21/14 3:05 PM
St. Louis
Buffalo 12/21/14 3:25 PM
Indianapolis 12/21/14 3:25 PM
Seattle 12/21/14 7:30 PM
Denver 12/22/14 7:30 PM
Utah 101 FINAL
Orlando 94
Charlotte 109 FINAL
Philadelphia 91
Brooklyn 91 FINAL
Cleveland 95
Washington 105 FINAL
Miami 103
Minnesota 98 FINAL
Boston 114
Toronto 110 FINAL
Detroit 100
Chicago 103 FINAL
Memphis 97
Portland 129 FINAL
San Antonio 119
LA Clippers 106 FINAL
Denver 109
Oklahoma City 70 3rd Qtr 2:37
LA Lakers 68
Tampa Bay 2 FINAL(SO)
New Jersey 3
Anaheim 2 FINAL
Ottawa 6
NY Islanders 2 FINAL
Detroit 1
Boston 1 FINAL
Winnipeg 2
Dallas 2 FINAL
Calgary 1
Wilberforce 71 FINAL
Youngstown St 92
Jackson State 49 FINAL
Tulane 56
Siena 66 FINAL
Radford 76
Stillman 49 FINAL
Alabama 69
Case Western Reserve 65 FINAL
Bucknell 88
Niagara 62 FINAL
Buffalo 88
SD Christian 46 FINAL
UC Santa Barbara 69
Concordia (MI) 60 FINAL
Central Mich 97
Northern Ill 55 FINAL
Dartmouth 58
North Florida 83 FINAL
Florida A&M 65
Hiwassee 71 FINAL
Gardner-Webb 91
Tennessee St 54 FINAL
Hampton 66
Kent State 71
Central Penn College 65 FINAL
Liberty 94
Eastern Ky 72 FINAL
Miami-Florida 44
Northern Ky 83 FINAL
Morehead State 60
Northern Ariz 62 FINAL
Norfolk State 81
MD-Eastern Shore 43 FINAL
Old Dominion 60
St Marys-CA 47 FINAL
St Johns 53
Clemson 45 FINAL
South Carolina 68
Tenn Tech 58 FINAL
Tennessee 61
Washington-MD 46 FINAL
William & Mary 86
Bethune-Cookman 46 FINAL
Mercer 67
Furman 78 FINAL
Fla Gulf Coast 83
South Dakota St 53 FINAL
CS-Bakersfield 49
Milligan 53 FINAL
Lamar 80
LSU-Alexandria 71 FINAL
ULM 76
Southern Utah 57 FINAL
Loyola-Chicago 73
Chattanooga 58 FINAL
Middle Tennessee 68
Seattle 57 FINAL
Minnesota 92
Lipscomb 55 FINAL
Princeton 77
Winthrop 71 FINAL
SE Louisiana 81
Dickinson State 48 FINAL
North Dakota 78
New Orleans 56 FINAL
Southern Ill 52
TX-Pan American 60 FINAL
Creighton 75
Colorado State 85 FINAL
Denver 84
Alabama A&M 49 FINAL
Marquette 83
Ark-Pine Bluff 51 FINAL
Texas Tech 72
Eastern Wash 67 FINAL
California 78
Idaho State 56 FINAL
Utah State 69
Arizona 28 2nd Half
Texas-El Paso 25
Hawaii 18 1st Half 13:26
Chaminade 22
Nevada 12/20/14 10:00 AM
Utah State 12/20/14 1:20 PM
Texas-El Paso
(23) Utah 12/20/14 2:30 PM
Colorado State
Western Mich 12/20/14 4:45 PM
Air Force
South Alabama 12/20/14 8:15 PM
Bowling Green
BYU 12/22/14 1:00 PM
Marshall 12/23/14 5:00 PM
Northern Ill
Navy 12/23/14 8:30 PM
San Diego St
Central Mich 12/24/14 11:00 AM
Western Ky
Fresno State 12/24/14 7:00 PM
Illinois 12/26/14 12:00 PM
Louisiana Tech
Rutgers 12/26/14 3:30 PM
North Carolina
NC State 12/26/14 7:00 PM
Ohio Valley 33 FINAL
Youngstown St 84
East Tenn St 48 FINAL
UNC-Wilmington 61
Cal-Irvine 44 FINAL
Purdue 69
Campbell 63 FINAL
Stetson 76
Jacksonville St 70 FINAL
Charleston Southern 43
Louisiana 64 FINAL
Alcorn State 57
Denver 63 FINAL
Wright State 72
Blue Mountain 30 FINAL
Central Arkansas 71
Texas State 51 FINAL
Bethune-Cookman 40
Albany 62 FINAL
Pepperdine 36
TX-San Antonio 53 FINAL
Houston 56
Yale 66 FINAL
Bucknell 73
Northern Colorado 56 FINAL
Fla Gulf Coast 69
Belmont 86 FINAL
Mercer 83
Massachusetts 66 FINAL
Georgia State 71
George Mason 69 FINAL
Winthrop 57
Portland State 33 FINAL
Princeton 104
Samford 52
Mobile 30 FINAL
Alabama State 66
Nicholls 49 FINAL
Texas Tech 76
Toledo 65 FINAL
Nevada 56
UMass Lowell 48 FINAL
(13) Duke 95
St Marys-CA 49 FINAL
Virginia 62
McNeese State 55 FINAL
Rice 57
McMurry 49 FINAL
Houston Baptist 69
Seton Hall 74
(6) North Carolina 65 FINAL
Maine 36
Lafayette 58 FINAL
Stony Brook 60
Siena 62 FINAL
Binghamton 53
Longwood 56 FINAL
Clemson 72
Savannah State 51 FINAL
Florida State 97
(19) Syracuse 72 FINAL
(9) Baylor 74
Buffalo 68 FINAL
Manhattan 58
Canisius 43 FINAL
Michigan 79
Davidson 66 FINAL
NC State 82
Northern Ky 63 FINAL
Delaware 58
Saint Louis 81 FINAL
Austin Peay 86
(25) DePaul 64 FINAL
(2) Connecticut 98
Ohio U 74 FINAL
La Salle 63
Florida Atlantic 60 FINAL
Long Beach St 85
Miami-Florida 65 FINAL
Tulane 70
Miss Valley St 39 FINAL
Memphis 62
Ark-Pine Bluff 56 FINAL
UAB 65
Bowling Green 58 FINAL
Illinois State 54
Arkansas State 78 FINAL
Missouri State 62
Wichita State 57
(16) Oregon State 71 FINAL
Southern Ill 55
Pacific 67 FINAL
New Mexico St 62
No Dakota State 79 FINAL
Cal State Fullerton 86
Utah State 92 FINAL
Sacramento St 102
Bethesda (CA) 61 FINAL
Fresno State 83
Utah Valley U 44 FINAL
Montana 68
LSU 70 2nd Half 3:43
UC Santa Barbara 39


question of the day

Poll: Will Christian Ponder ever be a full-time starter in the NFL?

Weekly Question





Connect with twitterConnect with facebookConnect with Google+Connect with PinterestConnect with PinterestConnect with RssfeedConnect with email newsletters