Turkey of the Year 2001: Cris Carter and Randy Moss

  • Updated: November 21, 2012 - 8:15 PM

The Turkey Committee did not host mere dinners to fete its award winners over the previous eight years. These were Thanksgiving feasts:
Huge, pen-raised, hormone-enhanced birds, baked to golden perfection. Sweet potatoes the size of a toddler's head. Mounds of well-seasoned, raisin-free stuffing. Endless rows of pumpkin and pecan pies.

Sadly, the Turkey Committee has had to face the reality the Clinton economic boom is over. We have been forced to cut back substantially on the vittles for the 24th annual Turkey Banquet. That substance on your plate is pressed turkey roll. One dab of stuffing per plate. Itsy-bitsy pumpkin squares.

Folks, times are tough here at the Turkey Committee, too. The only thing we have in abundance is Turkey candidates.

Roll call, please:

- Don Lucia: Colgate. Bemidji State. Play these college hockey sad sacks if you must, Coach Lucia. Just don't forget to cover up all references to the "Pride on Ice" slogan at Mariucci Arena.

- Michael Jordan: Exactly what the young Wizards needed . . . a 38-year-old ball hog.

- Ari Fleisher: We're off the sports beat here, but admit it: If you covered the White House and had t deal with this condescending press secretary every day, the temptation to stick your head in the oven along with today's Thanksgiving dinner would be overwhelming.

- Mike Helton: The NASCAR president was in charge of the organization's months-long attempt to manipulate the investigations into Dale Earnhardt's death at the Daytona 500 in February.

For sure, Helton and his employers, the France family, did not want any report stating definitively that "soft walls" - a very expensive improvement - would have prevented Earnhardt's death.

- Sara Jane Olson: What has been your favorite part of Sara Jane's court appearances? The Turkey Committee especially enjoyed the sighs and head shakes when the judge made her return to court to reaffirm a guilty plea on taking part in the pre-planning of a plot to blow up L.A. cop cars. What an actress! Please, judge, forget the latest change of Sara Jane's mind. Just let her go and she will promise to donate several jars of her famous strawberry preserves to a food shelter.

- Tom Moe: J Robinson's campaign against the damage Title IX has done to men's collegiate sports has led to a seething resentment toward Robinson within the University of Minnesota establishment. And Robinson, even with last spring's national championship, has not received public support from Moe, an athletic director who continues to come off not as an advocate for his department but as a toady for university president Mark Yudof.

- Lee Greenwood: Every time we have a national crisis, this one-song opportunist shows up before every kickoff and first pitch and tipoff imaginable. Enough, Lee. Go back into hiding.

- Tony Dungy: The committee does not often admit errors. Here's one: We were unanimous in the belief a nice guy serving as an NFL head coach could get the best from his players.

- Joe Mauer: What could be the Twins' last act of Minnesota loyalty was to use the No. l draft pick on Mauer, the St. Paul high school star. Mauer was so moved he delayed most of the $5 million signing bonus until he could establish residency in Florida and avoid Minnesota taxes.
These contenders were eliminated in preliminary voting. Three entities made it to the final round of balloting.

- Second runners-up: There are 772,285 Minnesotans who can claim this status. You know who you are. You voted for Jesse Ventura in the 1998 gubernatorial election.

- First runners-up: Carl and Jim Pohlad. Smilin' Carl already held the distinction of being the only two time winner as Grand Turkey. Admittedly, the Turkey Committee received substantial public pressure to make it three times, thus allowing Pohlad to retire the trophy.

The Pohlads' Turkey pedigree was reinforced when son Jim claimed an eagerness to run the team. Roughly 10 minutes later, the truth came out that his father had volunteered the Twins for contraction.

The committee admits it was leaning this way - until Sunday, when a maximum of 2,000 people could muster the concern to show up for the Save the Twins rally outside the Metrodome. That made it official. This is a pro football town, meaning Purple-clad Turkeys deserve extra credit.

- 2001 Grand Turkeys: Randy Moss and Cris Carter.

Our heroic receivers have teamed up for sideline displays that led to their Vikings being ridiculed coast to coast.

Moss allows his pouting to carry over to the field much more often than Carter. For that reason, there was strong support within the Turkey Committee to make this a Moss-only honor.

Then, a committeeman rose and said: `Two points on Carter. One, Mo' Power. Two, the sideline stuff - Carter's the one who should know better. He's an adult."
Without apology, the committee announces Moss and Carter as co-winners of the Grand Turkey. All we would ask is that Randy repeats the 5-yard Turkey Trot from Monday night's second touchdown while on his way to receive this championship hardware.

  • get related content delivered to your inbox

  • manage my email subscriptions


San Francisco - M. Bumgarner 7:07 PM
Pittsburgh - E. Volquez
Minnesota 10/2/14 7:25 PM
Green Bay
Buffalo 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Chicago 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Cleveland 10/5/14 12:00 PM
St. Louis 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Atlanta 10/5/14 12:00 PM
NY Giants
Tampa Bay 10/5/14 12:00 PM
New Orleans
Houston 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Baltimore 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Pittsburgh 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Arizona 10/5/14 3:05 PM
Kansas City 10/5/14 3:25 PM
San Francisco
NY Jets 10/5/14 3:25 PM
San Diego
Cincinnati 10/5/14 7:30 PM
New England
Seattle 10/6/14 7:30 PM
Washington 6:00 PM
Carolina 6:00 PM
Pittsburgh 6:30 PM
Montreal 7:30 PM
Arizona 8:00 PM
Fla Atlantic 10/2/14 6:00 PM
UCF 10/2/14 6:00 PM
Arizona 10/2/14 9:30 PM
(2) Oregon
Louisville 10/3/14 6:00 PM
San Diego St 10/3/14 9:00 PM
Fresno State
Utah State 10/3/14 9:15 PM
(18) BYU
(6) Texas A&M 10/4/14 11:00 AM
(12) Miss State
Ball State 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Iowa State 10/4/14 11:00 AM
(21) Oklahoma State
Marshall 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Old Dominion
Southern Miss 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Middle Tennessee
(20) Ohio State 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Purdue 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Florida 10/4/14 11:00 AM
SMU 10/4/14 11:00 AM
(22) East Carolina
Virginia Tech 10/4/14 11:30 AM
North Carolina
Eastern Mich 10/4/14 1:00 PM
North Texas 10/4/14 1:30 PM
Massachusetts 10/4/14 1:30 PM
Tulsa 10/4/14 2:00 PM
Colorado State
New Mexico 10/4/14 2:30 PM
TX-San Antonio
(3) Alabama 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(11) Ole Miss
(14) Stanford 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(9) Notre Dame
(17) Wisconsin 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Navy 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Air Force
(7) Baylor 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(4) Oklahoma 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(25) TCU
Wake Forest 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(1) Florida State
NC State 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Buffalo 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Bowling Green
Ohio U 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Central Mich
Oregon State 10/4/14 3:00 PM
Vanderbilt 10/4/14 3:00 PM
(13) Georgia
Kansas 10/4/14 3:00 PM
West Virginia
Kent State 10/4/14 4:00 PM
Northern Ill
South Alabama 10/4/14 5:00 PM
Appalachian St
Texas-El Paso 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Louisiana Tech
(15) LSU 10/4/14 6:00 PM
(5) Auburn
UAB 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Western Ky
Texas Tech 10/4/14 6:00 PM
(23) Kansas State
Michigan 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Hawaii 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Toledo 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Western Mich
ULM 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Arkansas State
Georgia State 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Idaho 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Texas State
Memphis 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Arizona State 10/4/14 6:30 PM
(16) USC
So Carolina 10/4/14 6:30 PM
Pittsburgh 10/4/14 6:30 PM
Miami-Florida 10/4/14 6:30 PM
Georgia Tech
(19) Nebraska 10/4/14 7:00 PM
(10) Michigan State
UNLV 10/4/14 7:00 PM
San Jose St
Ga Southern 10/4/14 7:00 PM
New Mexico St
California 10/4/14 9:30 PM
Washington St
Utah 10/4/14 9:30 PM
(8) UCLA
Boise State 10/4/14 9:30 PM
Winnipeg 10/3/14 6:00 PM
Calgary 10/3/14 9:00 PM
Edmonton 10/4/14 3:00 PM
Brt Columbia 10/4/14 6:00 PM





question of the day

Poll: Is Paul Molitor the best choice to manage Twins?

Weekly Question


Connect with twitterConnect with facebookConnect with Google+Connect with PinterestConnect with PinterestConnect with RssfeedConnect with email newsletters